I'm mostly well now. All I can say is finally! I can breathe again. I'm not constantly honking into a tissue anymore. Sleeping is easier, and I'm not exhausted all the time. And, most importantly, I can taste again! I haven't really wanted to eat much lately, because nothing sounds good when everything tastes like cardboard. This was an incredible downer in my little world. I love food. After a loooooooooong meeting yesterday, I had a strawberry margarita while out with a couple of coworkers, and it tasted so deliciously strong--citrusy and just perfect. I'm back!

Being sick, while annoying and uncomfortable, is an interesting experience. I noticed that while feeling so miserable I had the sense of being partially disconnected from my body. I felt like I was observing what was happening without really experiencing it. It was odd to be aware of that, because I didn't really know why or how to make it any different. I'm a sensitive girl (but don't call me sensitive, or I'll get in a huff!) in many ways, so I think I was just hyper-aware of all my cold symptoms, and I focused on dealing with those. Anything else going on with the bod was downgraded in importance. It was a strange sensation.

Friend Casey made me laugh while IMing when I was sick, and I told him that I was wheezing in laughter. He said I probably sounded like that cartoon dog. Muttley. I was like, Muttley? So he sent me the clip below. Great. Isn't it every girl's dream to remind a guy of a cartoon dog? But, he wasn't far off, and I started giggling again. I have the greatest friends!



Saying that my friends (and family!) are the greatest is totally true. If I don't watch it, I'll be gushing on the blog with "I love you...and I love you...and I love you!" Again. I do this sometimes. I'm not going to go into the details of the hows and whys (I don't think I can represent it well here, and, honestly, I don't wish to try), but I had a brief period of emotional turmoil over something last week. It was a something that brought definite closure to a brief chapter of my life. While this closure is ultimately necessary and fine, it was still a bit unsettling, and, well, sad to face the finality. And reality. Securing the remaining lock on a door and walking away, to seal away a whole experience in my heart for good, is always hard. I'm bad at it. Yet, I made the conscious decision many months ago to remove myself from a painful and hopeless situation--there was only one clear choice in my heart and mind, and I know without a doubt it was the right one--and move forward. I honored my truth, and I've always felt really good about that. There was no other alternative. I believe in so much more than what was happening in that situation.

And, through the pain of closing the door, I still carry all the best stuff with me. It will always be. I took a risk. I loved. I had great happiness and sadness and everything in between. I felt completely. I learned more than I could have imagined about who I am and what I truly want in this life and my relationships. I'm more confident in my ability to see what is good for me. I'm more confident in this girl overall. I can honestly say that if I had the chance to do the whole thing over again, knowing this outcome was lurking, I most likely would. Such incredible growth can come from deeply painful situations. I'm not so afraid of that anymore. I have no control over how another sees me or perceives an experience, but nothing can diminish what it meant to me. And, as weird as it may sound, I'm grateful for it all. I wouldn't be me if I didn't feel this way. Rationally, I get that it's all good.

Emotions are rarely rational, however. It can be very annoying when they blindside you in an unsuspecting moment. It appears my heart is just as sensitive as the rest of me. Last week, when I suddenly spun into turmoil, it was totally amazing to have the people in my life, from all over, show up or phone in to say We understand! We love you! Don't worry! Everything is as it should be! Many of them said things that showed such compassion and stretched my understanding. I heard a lot of beautiful words. I came back to earth.

When I think about my life and what's most important, I know I wish to be open and aware, to feel and experience fully, to continuously learn and grow, to have great contentment and joy, and, above all, to love and be loved. I realize now that while I dream of having these things, with the ever-present unlimited room to expand in a lifetime, I am already every single one of these things.

Everything is exactly as it should be.

After writing my post on cellphones and romance, I was curious about how widespread this problem is, in particular the use of text messaging in relationships. After all, this is a problem I've faced and we all know that everything here is about me, Me, ME!!! And, lately, the topic has popped up here and there in my world. From my own friends I've heard a story here or there of a woman ending a five year relationship via text, or a couple duking out an issue over SMS, but until I consulted the net, I didn't realize how big the issue is of technology creating barriers in relationships. I love the Washington Post article that starts out "I once had a boyfriend who was Mr. Text-O-Rama." Immediately entertained, I had to keep reading, and I found Natalie Moore's story right on the money in terms of how quickly texting can go from fluttery, good, fun to empty, annoying, nothing, leaving you with extremely tired thumbs As she said, there is "so much passive aggression delivered via tiny rectangular pieces of plastic." Recently, a post on the Baggage Reclaim blog addressed Why You Should Be Wary of Any Man Who is Reliant on Text Messaging, Email, and Instant Messenger, and it elicited a slew of responses from readers who have participated in text-based relationships. Yikes. I don't think this is necessarily a gender-specific problem, though. I think men should be totally wary of women who manage their relationships through text too. Across the board, it's a lazy, impersonal, and often passive aggressive way to relate to someone who you share, or are supposedly trying to build, an intimate connection.

Bottom line--feel free to call me an old fuddy-duddy, I don't mind--I'm using text messages only for making/confirming plans, finding people in crowded meeting places, informing my friends of funny somethings that just happened (it must be shared!), and the occasional flirtatious banter with men who I have plenty of quality in-person time. :-) Because that is good fun. There will be no relationships with texting as the main form of communication.

In fact, I believe this next year overall is going to be about making better, healthier dating choices for myself, namely recognizing and facing up to emotional unavailability, or men who just can't give me what I want, a lot sooner. More often than not, there are subtle signs of what you're dealing with, or even bright red flags flapping in the wind, the entire time. Rather than banking on and waiting patiently for possible change, I've learned you have to ask for what you want, take what is at face value, and then...move on when it isn't good. Now I feel like I'm completely clear about what I'm looking for and what I have to give. I believe it's out there. I've learned a lot during my adventures this past year, and I'm feeling way wiser and more confident as a result.

Peeps, I'm heading off to K Falls later this week for my nearly two week Christmas break with the family. I can't believe it's come up so quickly! I have to tell you that I'm feeling mighty nervous about navigating the Portland airport with the Trav-man and all our stuff. I feel like it could be Major Chaos. For me. I have enough trouble getting myself through the airport, so we'll see how this go. I'm looking forward to Trav time, though. He was here last weekend, and I'd bought him some pudding as a treat for dessert. He was sitting at my little coffee table, scooping it into his mouth, when he stopped to say, "Mmmmm. This is delicious! Thank you, Bacon R.!" How cute is that?

Is technology spawning new dating disasters?

In one word: YES!!!

OK, so maybe not disasters, exactly, but I firmly believe the misuse of technology is a common problem in dating relationships nowadays. I hope you'll take a minute to read the article, because I'm going to comment on a few things from it based on this list of recommendations from dating experts:

1. Turn off cell phones during dates.
   
   Yes! While I have yet to go out with someone who texts wildly during dinner or a movie, I have spent time with guys who obsessively clutch their phones like it is the source of life energy, and who won't hesitate to answer a call at the table of a restaurant and chat away. Tacky. And, awk-ward, as you sit there staring at your tofu phad thai wondering how long the chit-chat is going to continue. Is this a case of bad manners or a he's just not that into you sitch? I guess it could go either way, but I think there are people who see this as perfectly acceptable behavior. I find it particularly annoying when someone actively pursues time with me, but then spends said time cultivating all their other relationships via phone. What is the point here?
   
   This is true for anyone in my life, actually. I understand the need to have the phone available for emergency situations or special circumstances, but in general I don't take calls or engage in texting while having face time with family or friends. When spending time with someone I care about, I want to be fully present in the moment and give my attention to that individual. This shows respect for that person and the relationship you share, and I find it a lot more fulfilling if our focus is on our time together.
   
   
2. Use text messages solely for sweet nothings.
   
   Yes! Yes! Yes! I participated in...I guess you'd call it dating...with a guy whose primary mode of communication was by text/IM. Ugh! I'll say it again. UGH! Not fun. For that active avoider, I think it felt like a safer, easier way to communicate. Yeah right. In my eyes, it started to look dodgy, immature, and just plain annoying. Not to mention that it led to a whole slew of ambiguity, misunderstanding, and issues. Don't get me wrong, texting and IMing can be fun ways to communicate, but that's what they should be used for -- fun. When cyber conversations make up the bulk of your relationship, you will have serious problems. Too often, important issues were discussed between us with an IM/text buffer, which meant that the authenticity of the conversation was always in doubt and the meaning of words "said" were often unclear. IM/texting prevented a true connection, which may have been the point for one of us, but it didn't go over well with the me who thrives in truly connected relationships. In the end, though, I had to take responsibility for the fact that I participated in this way of relating, thinking that any form of communication was better than none. It turns out it wasn't. Drama! I learned my lesson, and now I'm committed to cultivating adult relationships where mature relating is valued and used by both parties.
   
   
3. Only address serious matters or break ups on the phone or in-person.
   
   Did you read above? How do you think that relationship ended? If you guessed cyberly, you're right on the money! Go you. You know, it was what it was, but it won't ever be again. I agree that when you've spent significant time with someone, the decent way to address serious matters is in person, no matter how difficult it is to do. Difficult things are a part of life, especially in relationships. You know this going into it, and I don't think the availability of technology should be a free pass to run from unpleasantness just because you can. That's lame and unfair to both of you. Communicating face to face shows respect for what you share, or shared, with a person, granting proper attention to the importance of the transition you are about to make. It totally says something about your character, and my hope is that good character is a desirable quality for most of us.
   
   
   

Love

So, love. I'm certainly no expert, but after reading articles in O by people who have a heck of a lot more experience than me, I realized that many of their lessons are my lessons, too. We all have similar experiences in learning to love and trust ourselves, as well as others. In each article I read there was always at least one point that resonated with me, so my hope is to put them all together in telling my story.

Often I think of myself as a "late bloomer" in both life and love. It's taken me a long time to come into my own as a person, and so it's probably not surprising that this is true in my romantic world as well. From my mid-teens to my mid-twenties I had one defining relationship with a lovely man who, simply put, absolutely adored me. I was incredibly lucky, because at that time I was a messy person to love, but he truly saw me for who I was and liked me anyway. He even found the majority of my faults adorable, and now I understand how rare and special it is to find someone who will love you that completely.

For most of our 10 year relationship, we were very much in love. Unsure of who I was, and low in self-esteem then, I recognize now that mine was a need-based love. I relied on him to provide me with definition I craved, the reassurance and confidence I couldn't yet give myself, and strength when I couldn't cope. Need and love are not a delicious combination. Over the years, we grew up, and grew apart, together. We made a lot of mistakes. And, in the end, I think we both knew that no matter how much we loved each other, and were a blessing in each other's lives, we weren't right for a long-term partnership. We both needed to continue to grow and grow up, finding ourselves separately in the process.

Our break-up was long and often torturous, with tons of back and forth, neither of us quite sure we were done, until we were done. I have so many great memories with him, and I will always love him and the role he has played in my life. We are still friends, although more distant by necessity, but it's comforting to know that we still care for and respect each other. There is no question in my mind that our ending was absolutely the best decision for both of us. I wish him great happiness, and my hope is that he finds the right person to love him better and more fully than I could.

The other day, a man I cared about a lot over the last year, who is now practically a stranger (I will never get over the weirdness of being pretty close to someone one minute and then, after a series of actions/events, dunzo the next), asked our table at a work lunch what we think is the perfect age to be, if you had to choose a stopping point. Keeping my story above in mind, I chose right around 30. My teens are out for the god-awful awkward factor. My 20s were tumultuous. At 30, I'm still young, but after lots of self-reflections, painful but necessary periods of growth, a-ha moments of clarity, and, well, a short stint in therapy, I finally feel like I truly know and like who I am. It's a good place to be. I am clear on my wants and needs, and I'm unapologetic in asking for them. I like who I am on my own, and I don't rely on anyone else to define my self-worth. This means that while I still have a strong desire for love and connection, I'm no longer driven by a need for it. My wholeness doesn't depend on the love of another. I may get lonely at times and mull over what I want that I don't have, but I am also certain that, if I live out the rest of my days single, I will have a rich and fulfilling life. I just truly want to have a loving relationship and a partner in crime. That will always be my preference.

Dating since my one big break-up has been a roller coaster of an experience. You've read about some of that here. While full of beautiful possibility, the mating game is also fraught with the dangers of disappointment, rejection, and hurt. Opening yourself up to emotional vulnerability and closeness can be frightening. It's a process that I often find foreign, dicey, and counter-intuitive. Perhaps that's due to my lack of experience, or maybe everyone feels that way. I don't know. I've made mistakes, and I'm learning. I know that I will keep on trying.

I want to share what I've learned with you. Many of these things came up in the articles I read, and I kept thinking, "Yes, this is on my list, too!" So, here you get Megan's Dating Tips. I'm sure I'll add more and change things after I post it, so feel free to check back for updates. :)

1. Above all else, know and love yourself. This is the only way to find a partner who matches you. This is the only way for you to truly have something to offer another person. Knowing yourself can take some time. It took me years to figure out that while tall, dark, and handsome is nice, there are a lot of deeper qualities that are much higher up on my list. Wanting those qualities is always right, even if the person you're with tries to convince you otherwise. Finally I realized that it's ok that I'm a person who craves emotional intimacy and closeness. It's not for everyone, but I trust there are others out there who want the same thing. In fact, I know there are since it exists in my friendships. I like my independence, too. Both can exist, so I'm looking for interdependence rather than codependence or distance. I also like consistency, reliability, confidence, respect, a good sense of humor, honesty, etc., and I now know what I need to be happy. Be clear on this.

Find out what's right for you and stay true to it. It's totally fine to desire lighter relationships, or marriage, or a deep commitment that doesn't involve marriage, but do your best to know what you want and what you're capable of having at this point. Respect that and act authentically in your relationships with people. Be emotionally healthy so you can attract other healthy people to you.

2. In dating, always pay attention to what a person does over what he says. Actions do speak louder than words and reveal the truth. I have found this to be right every time. Randy Pausch brought this up as his one big piece of advice for his little daughter when she starts dating, and I loved it. I couldn't agree more. A person may be really good at explaining why he wasn't there for you, why he couldn't be available, or why some other priority is more important. Sure, sometimes things come up, but if this is consistently the case, accept that this person isn't really there, and either live with it or move on. He may be good with words, but ultimately words mean very little if they are not backed up with action. The reality is that being low on the list of someone you really care about is demoralizing and will erode your self-esteem. If it seems like he doesn't care, it either means he doesn't, or he is not self-aware enough to realize his actions. You owe yourself more.

This is true for yourself, too. For a long time, I think I was good at saying that I wanted to find a real, healthy relationship, but my behavior didn't match the noises I was making. I still have to be mindful of that and check-in with myself to make sure that I'm not inadvertently allowing fear (or another lovely shadow emotion) to sabotage my intentions.

Of course, if you are with someone who is totally there for you, pays attention to your needs, and makes it clear that you are a priority, enjoy and appreciate that. That's the dream! It can make almost any other little imperfection easy to accept.

3. Know what you want/need and be brave in asking for it. We are all worthy of love, respect, and mindful treatment. If someone can't give you these things, or you can't give them what they need, it's better to find this out sooner rather than later. I'm not talking about first date interrogations here, peeps. I'm saying that if you've been seeing someone for a while and something feels off, or your needs aren't being met, bring it up now. Don't keep quiet. Even if it's disappointing or hurtful to you if you don't get the answer you want, you will hopefully feel better knowing you have all the information to make a decision about how to move forward. I loved in the final episode of Sex and the City the part where Carrie tells the artist she's ending her relationship with that, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." It just seemed like such a self-revealing and honest thing to divulge.

4. Pay attention. Focus on the reality of the situation. Try to avoid getting caught up in what you wish was happening. Or, don't create problems where none exists. This is a toughie. It's really easy to get wrapped up in your emotions, hopes, and wants that you lose perspective on what's really going on. Often this leads to people staying in situations longer than they should. On the other hand, I think it's dangerous to assume that because things went wrong in a previous relationship, or you were treated in a way you didn't like, that it will happen with every new person. It most likely won't, unless you have a pattern of choosing the same kind of partner over and over again, but it's not fair to you or the other person to go into a new situation with that expectation. You aren't his ex. He isn't yours. Well, not yet anyway. Heh.

5. It's not your job to *fix* anyone. If you're approaching dating in good emotional health, it's reasonable to expect emotional integrity from the person you're seeing. Don't ignore signs that something is amiss, and don't make it your mission to "fix" someone who has issues. Yeah right. It's great to be supportive when someone you care about is going through difficulties, but I'm talking about situations where it becomes clear that a person has deep-rooted baggage, psychological or addiction problems, or even perhaps a personality disorder, and doesn't appear to notice or see a need for change. Ugh. Real change is only going to come from themselves when they're ready, if that ever happens. You can't hold your breath waiting for it. I know for myself that even when I get that I can't fix someone, I often want to understand what's going on, and I want the other person to understand me. I can get very focused on that, which does me no good. It's not a realistic goal, and I've found that I had to release my need for either of those things. If someone doesn't know himself very well, or has serious problems that only a therapist can help with, there's no chance that he's going to be able to get you. And, whether intentional or not, people struggling with themselves can be hurtful to others. They are often so self-focused that they have nothing to give to anyone else.

6. Sometimes letting go is the best option. Along the lines above, I now know that it's possible to love someone very much with the understanding that person isn't right, healthy, or available to you--at least not now and perhaps never. Love isn't black and white, and caring isn't turned on and off with the flip of a switch. At least not for me. But, in honoring your own truth, and seeing circumstances for what they are, sometimes letting go with grace is the healthiest and best option for both of you.

7. Always notice the love in your life every day. Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in thinking about what we don't have, whether it's the right relationship, job, place to live, etc. As a single person, I find that I tend to do that when frustrated or lonely. I don't have a boyfriend! No one loves me! I have to do everything on my own! I might be alone forever! Poor me! Blahbitty-blah-blah.

My new way of coping with that is to remind myself of all the people in my world who I love and who love me in any capacity. Romantic love isn't the only way. This point was brought home when my belongings were stolen in Israel. Nearly every single person in my life offered me support and/or financial help. It was amazing to see all the people who genuinely cared and who jumped into action to make that better. I was overwhelmed by the generosity, and I felt overwhelmingly loved. None of those people were a boyfriend. Some didn't even know me all that well. But, through a scary and troubling loss, I realized that caring is all around me when I look.

8. Always choose love. Choose to give more love. Accept love when it's offered to you. Open your heart and take a risk. See the people you know in a positive light. Understand that not everyone you meet is going to love you, and that's ok. Choose to believe that love is always possible. Even if it doesn't lead to you finding the person of your dreams immediately, I find that choosing love makes life a whole lot better.

OK, that's it for now.

CTI's Super Guest Blog 3

Ladies and Gentlefolk, ConjugateTheInfinitive officially has a boyfriend. Seven weeks and going strong. I know, still new, but you’ve gotta start somewhere, right? And I feel really good about things, and have high hopes. He makes me laugh, he’s a genuinely good person, and he’s always looking out for me. One of the most important things in a partner is knowing they’ve always got your back – and something that consistently shines through in him is his honesty and loyalty.

Now, I know you’re worried that there won’t be any more bad date or awkward situation stories – not so! In fact, hilarity ensues as CTI navigates her way through new boyfriend territory, and she’s going to tell you all about it. Plus, I told Chatty Girl I’d do some “Retro Blogs” – date stories that should still be shared even though they occurred before the invention of the CTI Guest Blog.

But let’s start with New Boyfriend Comes Over for a Romantic Evening.

Recently, NB and I made plans for him to stop by my place after he got off work one night at 7:45. I hadn’t seen him for a few days, and I decided a little seduction was in order. I turned the lights down, put the music on low, and put on a black lacy number that I knew he’d like (if he noticed it at all).

Side note on the black lacy number: I bought it two years ago, not for anyone in particular, but more in the “buy it and they will come” mind set (and if you picked up on both interpretations of that – kudos). It sat in my drawer, sending out “come hither” vibes, until about two weeks ago, when finally a man was deemed worthy and the opportunity…um…arose.

So, I’m hanging around the house, door ajar so he can let himself in, but I sort of feel like Jamie Lee Curtis in that True Lies scene where she’s dancing for the man she doesn’t realize is her husband. She’s on this exciting assignment, and she feels sexy and enervated, but it’s been a long time since she’s felt that way, so it’s also a little awkward.

Around 8:00 there’s a knock on the door. My first thought is, “Huh, he’s kinda early.” Two beats later, my thought is, “Why isn’t he coming in?” Then the panic starts to creep up. Who else would be at my door at 8pm on a Thursday? But I’m on my condo board, and I just met a few more of the homeowners this weekend at our community yard sale, so ohmygodmaybesomeoneneedssomethingandhereIaminlingerie. Crap. Now what do I do?

So, I go look out the peep hole, but of course the shadows make it too dark for me to see who it is. And part of my brain feels like I can’t just ignore them since my door is clearly open so I’m obviously home…. I run and grab a bathrobe. But of course I don’t grab the pink fluffy head-to-toe coverage bathrobe. Nope. I grab the silky leopard print why-even-bother robe. Great. Smooth move. I’m less naked but more kitty. Now what do I do.

Well, I hold the robe closed as much as I can with one hand, and hold the door closed as much as I can with the other and peek out to find my Red Headed Neighbor Guy (who I just met at the yard sale) standing there. I just look at him, and he just looks at me, and I stammer, “Uh…I’m…expecting someone.” Pause. (Big eyes.)

He just stands there for a second or two, then says, “Uh, oh….uh…” and walks away.

I shut the door, completely mortified, and call Chatty Girl.

I could have at least said something like, “Sorry, but I’m expecting someone, can I catch you later?” But I was too busy trying to hide my booty behind the door for my language skills to kick in. I have no idea what this poor guy saw, or didn’t see, or thinks, or doesn’t think. On one hand, this whole thing might have been good – I got the vibe that he was hoping to get to know Cute Neighbor Girl better, and I didn’t really want to encourage that (NB was still sleeping while I was doing the yard sale thing, so RHN didn’t get the benefit of an introduction).

On the other hand, HOW HORRIFYING. Let’s just say the experience was not an aphrodisiac. The look on RHN’s face just kept running through my head. And oh my god what if he and NB had showed up at the same time, and NB, not knowing what I had planned had just been like, oh sure, come on in I’m sure she’s here…. Not the images one is looking for when trying to shake off the awkward part of sexy. Good. Grief.

Luckily I was able to get myself together before NB arrived. The seduction went off without a hitch (score!), and in fact we had a good laugh later that night when I told him what happened. Like I said, he makes me laugh. Hopefully he finds me funny, and not mentally challenged, too.

Anyway, I’m hoping to not see RHN for oh, about three years. It’s been done before, so I’m gonna go for it. I guess if see him sooner though I’ll just give a big wave and smile and act like nothing ever happened. Denial, baby – it ain’t just a river in Egypt.

Had another date this week with a very nice guy who just isn't for me. We had pleasant enough conversation, though. At one point, he asked:

"You like HBO shows, huh? Do you like the Sopranos?"

Me: "Sure."

Him: "Oh good. It's my favorite."

To my surprise, he followed that statement by making a fist and holding it up to give me "knuckles" across the table. Knuckles!

Me: "Oh, so we're doing knuckles now?"

He nodded very seriously.

OK. I guess I can't leave him hanging. I made a fist and lightly tapped his hand. Knuckles on a first date! Who knew?

I finished reading Kyle Smith's Love Monkey, and I have to say that it got better and better as the story went along. So many truly laugh-out-loud moments and great substance to a book that could have been just fluff. And, I loved having an inside look at the perspective of a single man who is right around my age. Now I've moved on to Anne Tyler's Digging to America. She is one of my very favorite authors, and while I'm tempted to plow right through because the writing is so good, I'm forcing myself to read it Very Slowly. I became an Anny Tyler junkie in middle school after reading Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant, and fell in love with her as an author after A Slipping Down Life. Yet, I think the very best is her first novel If Morning Ever Comes (published in 1964!). My love for her is enduring, and I'm so thrilled when a new one comes out that I do my best to savor it.

Just saw that the new season of Entourage premieres on September 7th. Yessssss!

Em and I watched the movie Broken English (Parker Posey) the other day. Loved it! It goes well with the Screaming Banshee guest post. I'm looking forward to seeing it again even.

I've decided that electronics don't like me. I lost my MP3 player at Christmas. This week my laptop pretty much crapped out and my digital camera died. We can't forget my numerous car issues over the years (although Trixie seems to be doing fine now). Let me tell ya, I bet my TV and DVD player are sweating bullets. They know the outlook is not good. In my typical Megan method, I quickly selected and ordered a new computer. I work with a bunch of tech geeks who can give me decent recommendations, which is a good thing, because I really dislike researching options and "shopping around." I have no patience for it and quickly become overwhelmed. Instead, I pick one that sounds decent enough because I can select a cool color and design for it, and have a web cam integrated to make chatting with Trav easy. :-) I've chosen a digital camera to order because it's highly-rated and affordable...and it comes in a color I like. Yep. That's my reasoning.

Recently, friend Jen went out with a guy who made a comment that could have been sensitive to her, and he quickly apologized. Jen says this guy pulled The Megan (inadvertently insulting dates technique), so naturally I'm on board with her going out with him. It's looking like I'll have opportunities to use The Megan again this week. Exciting!

So, the subject of the Spitter came up again at a Girls' Night following the lunchtime disclosure. I'd recovered from my shock, and now I had questions.

Me: So, Lovely Friend, what I really want to know here is what did you do? I mean, did everything come to a halt? Or, did you figure you better 'make this one count' and start digging deep in your throat?

Enter friends giggling and making throat-clearing noises.

LF: I didn't really know what to do, so I just gave him a really sloppy kiss.

Well. There you have it. Ewwwwwwwww. One of my friends started referring to the guy as the Spittoon. Fitting.

SGB #2: I Just Became Someone Else’s Bad Date Blog

OK, peeps, I definitely have more to say about the Spitter from my previous post (uh, YEAH!), and I will, but for now enjoy super guest blog #2 from CTI!

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You know how sometimes you react emotionally, and the emotion is so strong, you mistake it for pure reason (“How could I possibly be wrong about this? It’s so CLEAR.”), so you act on it and then when the adrenaline is gone, you’re just kinda like, ….oh. Ooops.

Or maybe you’re usually so rational that when something happens and you react emotionally, you’re like, “The hell with it. Everyone always says I should be more spontaneous, so FINE. How’s this for spontaneous?!” And then when the adrenaline is gone, you’re just kinda like, …oh. Hm. You cry a little and scratch your head and thank who ever is listening that your girlfriends love you…and will let you buy them cocktails.

Those of you who read my last post will remember that the guys who enter my World of Dating get nicknames. Interestingly, the most recent guy did not get one. Well, ok, except that he was Guy Without a Nickname for a while. I thought it was a good sign, and in fact he was around for about a month - a record for me in the last two years. (I just remembered that in my last post I also said that what I really want is to tango with a man who brings me flowers. I should have known when Guy Without a Nickname said “flowers are a dead gift” that he wasn’t the one for me.)

***Chatty Girl note: What is up with some of these guys and their "flowers are a dead gift" mentality??? Let me tell ya fellas, flowers are one of THE gifts. But that's another blog post. Carry on, CTI.***

The No Nickname Phenomenon was not because he was generic, but more that there weren’t any good single words or short phrases to describe him. Subtle? No, he certainly wasn’t subtle. Sneaky? Well, not exactly. He was more of a, “I have to tell you this story so you understand what I mean about him” kind of date.

Some of the names I’ve thought of since getting to know him better are:

• Stir the Pot at Work Guy
• I Have to Pay Cash for Everything/I Can’t Own Credit Cards Because I Max Them Out Guy
• Hey Wanna Meet Me at Walmart and Help Me Schlep My 56” Flat Panel Guy
• I Should Get Credit for Showing Up to Dinner at All Since I’m Such a Bad Planner Guy
• “Let Me Make You Dinner” Really Means “Let Me Buy You Mexican” Guy

And finally, my favorite:

• How About We Have Sex and Then I Bail on You, Except That What I Really Do is Treat You Like Crap Until You Call Me On It Guy

***Chatty Girl note/chant: Dump the chump! Dump the chump!***

You know what really kills me about this? This is a man with two Master’s degrees in the social sciences, who impressed upon me that he could be vulnerable emotionally, who said he always wanted me to feel safe and comfortable in his presence. And yet he still behaves like this? What hope is there, seriously?

Anyway, I sent the “Dear John” letter. (Let’s just call him John from now on, shall we?) (Oh, and, I’ve...paraphrased.)

Dear John,

As you know, I’m uber rational and feel the need to specifically illuminate the reasons you are a pooze, and I am therefore no longer inclined to be intimately involved with you.

1. Although you expressed a desire to cultivate an emotional and physical connection with me, you alienated me and enjoyed watching me flounder about in confusion.
2. You are an intelligent, educated man (I use the term loosely) yet still manage to be physically incapable of verbalizing the simple phrase, “I’m sorry but I just don’t think we are a good match.”
3. You have a propensity for playing psychological games with people, so I’m not entirely convinced I’m not just your latest Mind Fuck Project.

As you may also know, I naively want to give people the benefit of the doubt, even when doing so will clearly undermine my own ability to move on and find a healthier relationship, so just in case I’m totally wrong and you still think I’m cute and you really, really want to win me back, I’m still willing to talk. :)

Oh, and P.S. it makes me feel really bad to say anything that might hurt someone’s feelings so if you just ask I’ll be glad to apologize and find things to say that make you feel better.

Cheers,

CTI

Strangely, I got no response. Hm.

Unfortunately, when you’re uber rational all the time, your moments of irrationality can be like a super-nova. Big, bright burst of white-hot heat with science geeks eager to document the event.

So, CTI had a little psychotic episode. John hadn't responded to her email, and while she was waiting for Chatty Girl to finish up some work before going out for drinks, CTI checked his MySpace page. There was a post from a busty blonde - "April" - dated the night before (when supposedly he was working, which was why he couldn’t meet to talk about the relationship and why he ultimately got the email) - that read "Thanks for being a friend. I enjoyed your company."

CTI lost – and I mean LOST - her mind. Bursting into flames in her office chair was only narrowly avoided. The following text exchange ensued.

To John:

Why did you feel you had to lie to me? I don't care who April is, but really? You couldn’t just tell me we were over?

(Dear reader, are you imagining a hysterical screaming banshee? You should be.)

From John:

A) I didn't and don't feel the need to lie to you and 2) you have no idea what you are talking about.

To John:

You are right I have no idea - you don't talk to me. I'm sorry that I'm feeling hurt over this whole thing but do you blame me?

From John:

(no response)

(ever)

The text exchange was then followed by wracking sobs and tears on Chatty Girl's desk. There was tissue rationing.

***Chatty Girl note: Yes, yes there was. It's difficult in these situations when you have only two tissues left.***

There has been no additional communication from John. Guess I sealed the deal on that one.

By the way, yes he did actually use A) then 2). (And just to be mean, I might add that on his MySpace page he called something “exceptable” instead of “acceptable.” Where did you go to grad school again?)

But um, ok, wow. Can you say psycho? In about ten minutes I went from Rational Girl Who Yeah Got Blown Off But Handled it Well to Psycho Stalker Texting Accusations Girl. If I were on the other end of this experience, I’d be blogging about that too – it’s insane!

So clearly I have some issues. One of them is trust. One of them is self control when overcome by emotion. This is a fairly bad combination.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, me sending two slightly irrational texts is not so bad. I had just dumped the guy, so why did I even care who he was spending time with? She probably was just a friend. The real problem was that, as usual, I trusted someone and put effort into what I thought was a real chance at a relationship, and they blew me off. Maybe they weren’t lying, but they weren’t telling the whole truth, either. I HATE that shit.

Anyway, I guess I can be glad I’m not the girl who had to deal with SPIT Guy. Ew.

There isn't much from my life that I want to share this week, so instead I'm going to do what I do best--poach stories from other people. I guess if it were really poaching, I'd pretend that these were my own, but instead I tell people directly "Hey, that's a good one. It's going up on my blog," and I give credit. They may be happy or sad about it, but in Meganville my vote is the one that counts. If times get really tough, and the poaching causes me to lose all friends and, therefore, entertaining material, I could make some stuff up and become the James Frey of the blogging world. I have lots of options.

Oh, I did end up "closing" one online prospect after we got to the open communication stage for various reasons. Primarily, the emails were really boring. He asked me for details about going to Israel, so I shared. He responded with, "Israel sounds great. This summer I will go to Phoenix for a workshop" and that was it. Woo-effing-hoo. I asked him about his career, which sounded very interesting, and he told me a bit about where he went to school. Well, actually, he told me where he went to school and then spent more time addressing the price of parking at the college back in the day. I'm sorry, sir, but if parking rates in '91 are a main topic during one of our first emails, I fear it's only downhill from here.

Stay tuned for another post from the Super Guest Blogger soon. I'm excited!

So, lunch with a couple of girlfriends the other day suddenly turned into an episode of Sex and the City.

The three of us were sitting at a booth, chatting away about the guy my lovely friend across the table had recently started dating. We talked about the usual stuff. What's he like? What do they have in common? Do they have fun? Is he good in bed? The answer to the last question is yes, except...My lovely friend had more to share.

Me: Oooooo, goody. Tell us!

LF: I don't know. I might be too embarrassed to even say it. It might be TMI.

Me: Nothing is TMI for me! I really want to hear.

LF: I don't know...

Us: Oh, come on.

We wait patiently for LF to make up her mind. For me, patiently = chanting "Tell us! Tell us!" so the person being questioned will feel so much pressure and annoyance she will burst out with the truth.

LF: Well, ok. So we're going along and everything is good, but then he made a request. He asked me to spit in his mouth.

SPIT.

I have to tell ya, folks, when I queried the database in my mind for potential kinky acts the guy could have asked for, SPIT did not come up once. I did not know how to process this information, so I just covered my eyes with my hand and started shaking with laughter.

Well, in spite of a lovely date with the NG yesterday (lunch, walk around Wallingford, coffee, and a walk around Greenlake - five hours of talking!), it doesn't appear that we're destined for romance, but hopefully a good friendship.

Next!

:-)

Megan R. has a way with the men: Part One

My sister dispenses dating advice to me via IM. One tip is to make jokes that don't involve past dating nightmares or the guy's personality.

On a fun date last week with a guy who seems really nice and interesting, we talked for two hours about all sorts of things. It was great! During one of our conversations, he revealed that, while he enjoys socializing, he prefers interacting in smaller groups rather than large ones, and we had a discussion along these lines.

Nice Guy: I don't do as well in large groups. I end up feeling like I'm pushed to the outside edges, every time.

Me: Huh. Why do you think that is?

NG: I don't know. It just always happens. Recently, I told this to a guy at a work party, and he said, "Hmmmm. You have problems in groups? Maybe you're an Aspie like me." (People with Asperger Syndrome sometimes call themselves Aspies.) I'm not, and my friend and I thought it was bizarre of him to suggest that out of nowhere.

(Enter brief side convo about the characteristics of AS and how he doesn't fit the bill.)

Me (totally joking and laughing): Yeah. Random. You should have told the guy, "No, I'm not an Aspie; I'm just a loser."

Hahahaha! I crack myself up. NG laughs a little. He definitely isn't a loser, but I couldn't resist the funny.

(Molly's comment: "Yes, its charming on the first date to call the man a loser basically!)

Later on, while sharing a sandwich, I'm attempting to eat carefully and listen to a story on travel NG is telling. I tear off a delicate little bite and, on it's way to my mouth, an olive falls out of the grilled focaccia and lands directly on top of my, um, chest. I'm wearing a scoop-necked t-shirt, so the olive is on bare skin. It just sits there. I notice. He notices. I laugh awkwardly and make a comment about how attractive this is while plucking the offending olive from my boob. Then, I proceed to dab skin with napkin and tell him "Don't mind me! Carry on with what you're saying!" NG very sweetly says that he is often a messy eater and is trying to be so careful himself.

(Molly's comment: "Olive on boob. Nice one!")

Later this week...

Exchange some emails with NG. We talk about comedians we like. He asks if I've seen a particular clip of one, and I say no, although I'm familiar with this person as Em is a big fan. In a previous message, I'd told how Em burns me CDs of comedians she likes and, while I always end up enjoying them, it takes me about six months to finally get around to listening, much to her chagrin. I don't know why.

Message from Megan R. to NG:

Hmmmm. I don't think I've seen that one. Send it to me, and I promise to watch it within six months. I'm laughing picturing me sending off an email six months from now being like, "I watched the clip. That was great!" and you being like, "Who is this person?"

Email reply from NG:

Here you go. Enjoy! Talk to you in six months!

(Molly's comment: "Ya, well you are really giving him hope that you see this working out.")

I need help.

In spite of it all, he asked me to go out again (Molly's comment: "Apparently he likes 'the treatment.'"), so we're meeting up tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Message received from recent match I will call Outdoor Guy. OG and I just reached the "open communication" phase, and I'd responded to a brief email he sent about his outdoor activities and the hope of one day owning a boat. Let me mention that I'm not overly optimistic about the sitch already, because I state very clearly in my profile that I'm not an "Outdoor Girl," yet OG has persisted with outdoor questions. I wrote back trying to shift the convo to other topics of interest. I don't mean to make fun, but I'm a bit mystified about what to say after receiving this back:

"As long as I have plenty of appointments I don't have to worry about the results and my job is very enjoyable. My job is all sales, marketing and customer service.

I would like to own a boat one day but am in no rush. It is very beneficial to know people who live on the lake and have boats.

Would you like to get together, what is your phone number?"

So. My sister says she just learned about the "direct close" technique in one of her sales training classes, and it looks like OG is testing that out here. Yet, he didn't wait for the positive cues that are usually recommended when you give that a shot. Instead, it's more or less the I-don't-need-a-boat-'cause-I-can-mooch-off-others-wanna-go-out? technique.

Hit reply. Ummmmmm. No? I'm open to suggestions here, peeps.

I'm reading Kyle Smith's Love Monkey at the moment. Chris recommended the book to me as a male version of Bridget Jones, and it really is, only even more heartbreakingly real in terms of the roller coaster of pursuing a doomed relationship, and funnier in some ways. There are so many clever, self-deprecating, humorous lines mixed in there that I end up giggling lots to myself on the bus, which means I fit right in.

Super Guest Blogger

Hello, my darlings! You should be so proud of my restraint. I've been very good while away, only on the computer when absolutely necessary to look up old mansions to visit and the like. I'm heading home soon, and will be back to posting in short order. However, I've still been text messaging with wild abandon, and, in the course of busily corresponding with my peeps, I encouraged one of my Lovely Ladies to write a guest post for you all. And she did! I love, Love, LOVE what she wrote and decided to visit the computer for a few minutes to put this online straight away.

This comes at a fortuitous time, because a few of the Lovely Ladies and I have discussed creating an anonymous dating/relationship/love/What the Hell? blog, and I think this makes for an excellent first post. A trial run, so to speak. The thing is, we've got stories. We've got questions. We've all had our "moments" that come with the territory of really truly being out there. We often talk about the complicated beauty that is human relationships. And, at any given time, we're feeling confused, hopeful, disappointed, adored, amused, frustrated, enlightened, and, perhaps most importantly in the rough moments, optimistic. As a result, we have things to say, stories to share, and we're ready to do that. You all know, for understandable reasons, there are just some things I can't/won't talk about here (Hi Mom!...and anyone else I might not want reading the super secret dating blog. Heh.), so...

We'll see what happens, but I'm loving the idea.

Without further ado, here is the guest post by the lovely ConjugateTheInfinitive!

*******************

The men that enter my World of Dating get nicknames. Not out of disrespect or mockery – at least not most of the time. Ok, ok, not ALL the time. But when you go on a bunch of first dates, and your girlfriends are going on a bunch of first dates, “Joe” and “Tom” are not all that descriptive. “Spammer Guy,” however, lets your ladies know *exactly* who you are talking about. Spammer Guy was a really nice guy, but worked for a company that was basically responsible for junk mail. Dude, I don’t care how much yoga you do. You kill that many trees and I’m just not sure we can be friends.

The latest guy is 936Coolio. “936Coolio?” you ask. Yes. Let me explain. We met online, and the first time 936Coolio ever called me was after maybe two emails that said pretty much nothing. We had decided we’d talk on a Tuesday evening. I suggested 7pm. He apparently did not get my email as my phone rang at 9:36pm. I did not answer. I refused to condone that kind of behavior. When I was a kid, my parents made it very clear that you did not call anyone before 9am or after 9pm. But I did check with all my friends to be sure I wasn’t being ridiculous. The general consensus was that, at the very least, it was a bit rude.

We do finally get in touch the next day and agree we can both meet for dinner after work. His confirmation text to my phone? “Coolio.”

Really?

IM to Chattygirl: “so, what do you think it means when a 37 year old man confirms your first date with “coolio”?

Chattygirl: I don’t know but I hope you have bling.

Me: tru dat homie

Turns out 936Coolio is what they call a “blockbuster.” I’m pretty sure this is according to my good friend’s hot, hippity-hop 21 year old co-worker. In any case, it seems appropriate. Both because he completely skips the actual “dating” part and goes right to the “comfortable on the couch” part AND because his living room could easily be a Blockbuster video store. (In my head there’s also this weird linguistic/gestalt connection to “cockblocker,” which did, in fact, turn out to be my role in this whole anxiety-inducing scenario. But, that’s a whole ‘nother blog and I won’t get into that here.)

Date 1 went surprisingly well, so after dinner we agreed to spend more time together. Translation: we watched “Flight of the Conchords” on his ridiculously huge TV. In fact, when I told my friend K about the date, she even said, “He has a ridiculously huge TV, doesn’t he?” Hm.

Date 1.5 was me getting convinced to come by at 10pm on a Friday night to “hang out.” I admit, I feel stupid for going, but I guess in my innocence (shut up it’s not funny), I really wanted to believe that the invitation was so we could talk and get to know each other better. I mean, of *course* he couldn’t wait to see me – I’m riveting. But, as I mentioned, the reality is a whole ‘nother blog.

Date 2 seemed promising – dinner plans. Turns out that my idea of dinner plans and his idea of dinner plans were not the same thing. Mine included actually staying at the restaurant. His included take out and sitting in front of his ridiculously huge TV.

There was a request for Date 2.5, but I’d learned my lesson and politely declined.

Hindsight is 20/20, ladies and gentlemen, but I agreed to Date 3. Any guesses as to our plans? I managed to convince him to STAY in a restaurant this time, but then we were going to watch Battlestar Galactica on (say it with me now) his ridiculously huge TV. Somehow this must have actually been my idea since I had mentioned wanting to see the show; several friends had said it was worth seeing. I thought I had planned NetFlix, but apparently I had planned his couch.

Ultimately, the problem became that 936 couldn’t even call or email me in the course of two days to confirm plans, so I’m hanging out at work at 5:00 on a Friday going, “Don’t I have a date?” So I made an executive decision.

“Sayonara Coolio. I’m having wine with my girlfriends.”

(Just to give credit where credit is due, I couldn’t have made the executive decision without my, um, Executive Assistant, L.)

And yet, I’m struggling with my choice to walk away instead of talking with 936 about how I feel. Maybe he’d be willing to go out more if I only said something. Maybe he’d be better at making plans if he only knew how important it was to me. At what point does common courtesy change over to my responsibility for expressing what I want? The internal dialogue has had me spinning out of control all week.

Head: The guy didn’t even care about trying to take you out or ask you what you were interested in doing.

Heart: But people have different dating styles, and I want to respect that.

Head: On the second date he told you that he’s made masturbation an art form.

Heart: So, he’s honest and open about his sexuality.

Head: He manipulated conversation so he could avoid answering your questions or really tell you anything, including the fact that he’s probably boinking the other chick he just met. You didn’t feel like you could trust him.

Heart: But he was honest with me about the fact the he is seeing someone else – a lot of guys wouldn’t even have told me!

Head: He couldn’t even call you to confirm plans for Date 3 until he was supposed to be picking you up!

Heart: Well, I can be kind of rigid about plans and timing; he’s just laid back.


This is exhausting.

So, here’s the question(s). First of all, why am I making excuses for this guy? Is it unreasonable to expect someone you’ve just met to want to actually go out and do stuff? Even if the dating is “casual” because there are other people in the picture, shouldn’t I expect a little respect for my time, and at least feel like I was worthy of some effort? Why, when there is so much evidence that we were incompatible, do I feel like crap for bailing? Why do I feel like my only choices are sabotage myself right out of a good relationship or let myself get sucked into a bad one? I’m perfectly willing to put work into creating a good relationship – I totally get that they are not all fun and cozy snuggling – but should I have to do that before we even get to Date 3?

I’m contemplating the response to Chattygirl’s “I’m Just Sayin,’” (March 22) by anonymous. As far as I could tell, my internal Magic 8 Ball was letting me know that being with 936 compromised me too much, and I need to pay attention to the SIGNS POINT TO NO or ASK ME AGAIN LATER AFTER YOU'VE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO CHANGE HIS/HER PERSONALITY WHICH THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN BUT GO AHEAD AND WASTE THE NEXT FIVE YEARS FIGURING THAT OUT FOR YOURSELF AND GET BACK TO ME. (Love your style, anonymous.) Given this perspective I did the right thing and should feel good about it, right?

Repeat internal dialogue, followed by questions, above. Oh, and add, how reliable is the Magic 8 Ball after only 2 dates?

On a final note, I really do believe that when you put yourself in the hands of the Universe, she brings you what you need. After telling 936 that things were off, I went with my very good friend to World Cup on Roosevelt. It so happened that there was a Girl With a Guitar playing that night, and she was AMAZING. I bought her CD and took the very last bus home so I could hear her whole set. I highly recommend that you check out Angela Reed.

We sat in World Cup – a super cute coffee and wine bar – listening to this beautiful singer, sipping red wine, and lamenting human relationships. The song The Grocer and the Tango Teacher made me cry. It reminded me that we are all just people with a life to live, doing the very best we can with what we have, no matter how obtuse and incongruous it all seems when put together. It reminded me that real connections between men and women happen, that I have every right to expect to find it for myself, and that yes, what I really want is to tango with a man who brings me flowers.

"I'm Just Sayin!" by Megan R.

So, the Lori Gottlieb article Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I hope you all finished your reading assignment. I've had a lot of interesting conversations with people--mostly female friends, married and single--about this one. Overall, I don't love the message of the article. I can't say I completely disagree with all of the author's points either. But, I found the argument for settling unsettling at best.

First, let me say that I think it's necessary for men and women to have a healthy perspective of love, relationships, and the realities of choosing a lasting commitment with a partner. Yet, society still glorifies fairytale images of romance and the perfect life you will have if and only if you find your one true love. A point that a couple of my friends have made, and I agree, is that we are bombarded, from a very young age, with ideas of love and happily ever after that simply don't exist. From our first Disney movie to the sugar sweet endings in chick flicks, we develop expectations about what love should look and feel like that ultimately leave us disappointed and disillusioned after we accumulate our own failed relationship baggage. Suddenly, the fairytale ending loses it's shine, because you are aware that real life continues once you ride off into the sunset with Mr. Right.

After all, don't you think Snow White had some serious trust issues to work out after the poisoned apple debacle? Didn't Cinderella harbor the tiniest bit of resentment that her man didn't even recognize her, in spite of their amazing connection at the ball, until she produced that dang glass slipper as proof of her identity? And, did each of these women arrive at their respective castles in the first blushes of love to discover that Prince Charming actually has an internet porn addiction, gambles away the royal jewels, and will kick the dog in a rage, leaving them with no choice but to ditch the prince and jump right back into the dating pool?

The author makes a strong case for letting go of the fantasies that hinder us in our search for lasting love. But, is letting go of idealized notions really settling? I call it growing up. For most of the single women I know, self-awareness, maturity, and experience have educated us on the realities of navigating life with a partner who is just as human as we are. I'm not perfect, and neither is anybody else. Thank God! Obvious dealbreakers (addictions, abuse, etc.) aside, that realization is refreshing. Perfection is overrated--boring, in fact--and impossible to sustain. It isn't real. Even one of my male friends pointed out that the goal isn't to find love with the perfect person, it's to find someone who not only likes you for all your good, but who fully sees your faults and quirks and decides she can live with those, too. And vice versa. I believe understanding and accepting this can lead to a deeper and more lasting connection than any portrayed in the fairy tales.

My primary issue with the article is that the author's case for settling is based on the premise that, if you want to have children, you should snag any decent guy, whether you love him or not, and get to procreating while you're still young enough to do it. For many women, the pressure to find "the One" is already high, especially if she wants children. Like it or not, there are still lots of ways to call a woman a spinster, and we hear it even from well-meaning people in our lives. As my friend Shannon pointed out, a woman who selects a dodgy husband (also known as a "poozer") endures far less questioning about her choice than one who decides to remain single. So, the article seems to be saying, if he's nice enough, will take out the garbage, and schlep around a bunch of baby stuff, you have as good a chance as any of being happy with him. Plus, you'll never be lonely again! If it doesn't work out, you're better off and have more options with child support checks rolling in and visitations with dad to free up your evenings for dating after divorce.

I don't know. While that's certainly an option, and maybe one that will look more pleasing to me if I approach my 40th birthday without a mate or children, I don't think it's the best one to advocate for in general. I'm not going to support a "Settle for Him!" movement based on some shaky TV show references. Gottlieb bemoans the fact that Rachel on Friends gave up nice guy Barry, simply because she wasn't "feeling it," only to end up in a tumultuous relationship with Ross. But, don't we find out in the course of the series that sweet but boring Barry was actually boinking Rachel's best friend during their engagement? Nice. I'm not so quick to discount the not "feeling it" as a legit reason for ending a relationship, as I think intuition can provide helpful guidance in situations without clear rules and where the answer is never black and white.

Gottlieb also points out that settling is already a rampant phenomenon that no one wants to talk about, but then she uses the high divorce rate as evidence of "true love" not necessarily leading to marital bliss. So...why isn't settling just as viable a choice? I say that, when it comes to the high divorce rate, perhaps settling is part of the problem. People have very set ideas when mapping out their lives and often burden themselves with questionable milestones to reach by a certain age. Getting married and having children ranks right up there. How many people do you know who married young, or married because that's what they though they were supposed to do, maybe even had a couple of kids, are now divorced? I can think of quite a few in my relatively small circle. The reasons vary, but I can tell you that without a foundation of real love and commitment, the incentive to stay and work it out is just about nil. Why bother when the next person to settle for is waiting right around the corner?

Okay, while I know I could go on and on about this topic, and maybe even will later, I'm stopping myself for now. What do you think? Comment away! (See comment link below.) Don't be shy!

Update

Thanks to my one commenter so far:

I love how the search for "squeaky danskos" is #1 for leading peeps to my blog. I'm not the only one with this problem then. Nice to know. Squeakers of the world unite!

Although I think it's a good thing when the activities of sleazy politicians are exposed, I really don't like seeing pictures of the dutiful wife, obviously in lots of pain and humiliated, "standing by her man" at the press conferences. I mean...Really. Enough is enough with that business. Don't. Do. It. Just once I'd love to see her show up, say "Yeah right," throw a martini or hot cup of coffee in his face, and march off in a calm, but decidedly huffy, huff before things even really get started. Maybe they will work it out in the end--that's their business, for sure--but the reality is that both parties will most likely end up completely estranged, seeking expensive divorce lawyers, and the poor kids will have years of intensive therapy ahead. And, what will the woman have to show for it? "Well, I stood by him at the press conference..." Yuck. It bothers me.

Also, for once, why can't a politician totally 'fess up and make a truly sincere apology, instead of some vague sorta I'm sorry that doesn't sound very sorry at all? Apologize not only for his actions and the damage done to his family, but also for being a complete hypocrite? The gig/jig is up, man.

In a Seattle Times article on Spitzer, I found this paragraph especially funny:

"According to court papers, an Emperors Club agent was told by the prostitute that her evening with Client 9 went well. The agent said she had been told that the client 'would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe ... very basic things,' according to the papers, but Kristen responded by saying: 'I have a way of dealing with that ... I'd be, like, listen dude, you really want the sex?'"

Oh really? YOU have a way of dealing with that? Thanks for the tip. Don't all women keep that question in their back pockets, prepped and ready for delivery, when faced with requests of a highly "Uh, I don't think so" nature?

For your amusement (please take a look; it's hilarious!): http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2008/03/09/opinion/09opart2.ready.html.

The diagram is posted outside my office door now. I love how saying no straight away leads to sunlight and girls.