Ladies and Gentlefolk, ConjugateTheInfinitive officially has a boyfriend. Seven weeks and going strong. I know, still new, but you’ve gotta start somewhere, right? And I feel really good about things, and have high hopes. He makes me laugh, he’s a genuinely good person, and he’s always looking out for me. One of the most important things in a partner is knowing they’ve always got your back – and something that consistently shines through in him is his honesty and loyalty.
Now, I know you’re worried that there won’t be any more bad date or awkward situation stories – not so! In fact, hilarity ensues as CTI navigates her way through new boyfriend territory, and she’s going to tell you all about it. Plus, I told Chatty Girl I’d do some “Retro Blogs” – date stories that should still be shared even though they occurred before the invention of the CTI Guest Blog.
But let’s start with New Boyfriend Comes Over for a Romantic Evening.
Recently, NB and I made plans for him to stop by my place after he got off work one night at 7:45. I hadn’t seen him for a few days, and I decided a little seduction was in order. I turned the lights down, put the music on low, and put on a black lacy number that I knew he’d like (if he noticed it at all).
Side note on the black lacy number: I bought it two years ago, not for anyone in particular, but more in the “buy it and they will come” mind set (and if you picked up on both interpretations of that – kudos). It sat in my drawer, sending out “come hither” vibes, until about two weeks ago, when finally a man was deemed worthy and the opportunity…um…arose.
So, I’m hanging around the house, door ajar so he can let himself in, but I sort of feel like Jamie Lee Curtis in that True Lies scene where she’s dancing for the man she doesn’t realize is her husband. She’s on this exciting assignment, and she feels sexy and enervated, but it’s been a long time since she’s felt that way, so it’s also a little awkward.
Around 8:00 there’s a knock on the door. My first thought is, “Huh, he’s kinda early.” Two beats later, my thought is, “Why isn’t he coming in?” Then the panic starts to creep up. Who else would be at my door at 8pm on a Thursday? But I’m on my condo board, and I just met a few more of the homeowners this weekend at our community yard sale, so ohmygodmaybesomeoneneedssomethingandhereIaminlingerie. Crap. Now what do I do?
So, I go look out the peep hole, but of course the shadows make it too dark for me to see who it is. And part of my brain feels like I can’t just ignore them since my door is clearly open so I’m obviously home…. I run and grab a bathrobe. But of course I don’t grab the pink fluffy head-to-toe coverage bathrobe. Nope. I grab the silky leopard print why-even-bother robe. Great. Smooth move. I’m less naked but more kitty. Now what do I do.
Well, I hold the robe closed as much as I can with one hand, and hold the door closed as much as I can with the other and peek out to find my Red Headed Neighbor Guy (who I just met at the yard sale) standing there. I just look at him, and he just looks at me, and I stammer, “Uh…I’m…expecting someone.” Pause. (Big eyes.)
He just stands there for a second or two, then says, “Uh, oh….uh…” and walks away.
I shut the door, completely mortified, and call Chatty Girl.
I could have at least said something like, “Sorry, but I’m expecting someone, can I catch you later?” But I was too busy trying to hide my booty behind the door for my language skills to kick in. I have no idea what this poor guy saw, or didn’t see, or thinks, or doesn’t think. On one hand, this whole thing might have been good – I got the vibe that he was hoping to get to know Cute Neighbor Girl better, and I didn’t really want to encourage that (NB was still sleeping while I was doing the yard sale thing, so RHN didn’t get the benefit of an introduction).
On the other hand, HOW HORRIFYING. Let’s just say the experience was not an aphrodisiac. The look on RHN’s face just kept running through my head. And oh my god what if he and NB had showed up at the same time, and NB, not knowing what I had planned had just been like, oh sure, come on in I’m sure she’s here…. Not the images one is looking for when trying to shake off the awkward part of sexy. Good. Grief.
Luckily I was able to get myself together before NB arrived. The seduction went off without a hitch (score!), and in fact we had a good laugh later that night when I told him what happened. Like I said, he makes me laugh. Hopefully he finds me funny, and not mentally challenged, too.
Anyway, I’m hoping to not see RHN for oh, about three years. It’s been done before, so I’m gonna go for it. I guess if see him sooner though I’ll just give a big wave and smile and act like nothing ever happened. Denial, baby – it ain’t just a river in Egypt.
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