Love

So, love. I'm certainly no expert, but after reading articles in O by people who have a heck of a lot more experience than me, I realized that many of their lessons are my lessons, too. We all have similar experiences in learning to love and trust ourselves, as well as others. In each article I read there was always at least one point that resonated with me, so my hope is to put them all together in telling my story.

Often I think of myself as a "late bloomer" in both life and love. It's taken me a long time to come into my own as a person, and so it's probably not surprising that this is true in my romantic world as well. From my mid-teens to my mid-twenties I had one defining relationship with a lovely man who, simply put, absolutely adored me. I was incredibly lucky, because at that time I was a messy person to love, but he truly saw me for who I was and liked me anyway. He even found the majority of my faults adorable, and now I understand how rare and special it is to find someone who will love you that completely.

For most of our 10 year relationship, we were very much in love. Unsure of who I was, and low in self-esteem then, I recognize now that mine was a need-based love. I relied on him to provide me with definition I craved, the reassurance and confidence I couldn't yet give myself, and strength when I couldn't cope. Need and love are not a delicious combination. Over the years, we grew up, and grew apart, together. We made a lot of mistakes. And, in the end, I think we both knew that no matter how much we loved each other, and were a blessing in each other's lives, we weren't right for a long-term partnership. We both needed to continue to grow and grow up, finding ourselves separately in the process.

Our break-up was long and often torturous, with tons of back and forth, neither of us quite sure we were done, until we were done. I have so many great memories with him, and I will always love him and the role he has played in my life. We are still friends, although more distant by necessity, but it's comforting to know that we still care for and respect each other. There is no question in my mind that our ending was absolutely the best decision for both of us. I wish him great happiness, and my hope is that he finds the right person to love him better and more fully than I could.

The other day, a man I cared about a lot over the last year, who is now practically a stranger (I will never get over the weirdness of being pretty close to someone one minute and then, after a series of actions/events, dunzo the next), asked our table at a work lunch what we think is the perfect age to be, if you had to choose a stopping point. Keeping my story above in mind, I chose right around 30. My teens are out for the god-awful awkward factor. My 20s were tumultuous. At 30, I'm still young, but after lots of self-reflections, painful but necessary periods of growth, a-ha moments of clarity, and, well, a short stint in therapy, I finally feel like I truly know and like who I am. It's a good place to be. I am clear on my wants and needs, and I'm unapologetic in asking for them. I like who I am on my own, and I don't rely on anyone else to define my self-worth. This means that while I still have a strong desire for love and connection, I'm no longer driven by a need for it. My wholeness doesn't depend on the love of another. I may get lonely at times and mull over what I want that I don't have, but I am also certain that, if I live out the rest of my days single, I will have a rich and fulfilling life. I just truly want to have a loving relationship and a partner in crime. That will always be my preference.

Dating since my one big break-up has been a roller coaster of an experience. You've read about some of that here. While full of beautiful possibility, the mating game is also fraught with the dangers of disappointment, rejection, and hurt. Opening yourself up to emotional vulnerability and closeness can be frightening. It's a process that I often find foreign, dicey, and counter-intuitive. Perhaps that's due to my lack of experience, or maybe everyone feels that way. I don't know. I've made mistakes, and I'm learning. I know that I will keep on trying.

I want to share what I've learned with you. Many of these things came up in the articles I read, and I kept thinking, "Yes, this is on my list, too!" So, here you get Megan's Dating Tips. I'm sure I'll add more and change things after I post it, so feel free to check back for updates. :)

1. Above all else, know and love yourself. This is the only way to find a partner who matches you. This is the only way for you to truly have something to offer another person. Knowing yourself can take some time. It took me years to figure out that while tall, dark, and handsome is nice, there are a lot of deeper qualities that are much higher up on my list. Wanting those qualities is always right, even if the person you're with tries to convince you otherwise. Finally I realized that it's ok that I'm a person who craves emotional intimacy and closeness. It's not for everyone, but I trust there are others out there who want the same thing. In fact, I know there are since it exists in my friendships. I like my independence, too. Both can exist, so I'm looking for interdependence rather than codependence or distance. I also like consistency, reliability, confidence, respect, a good sense of humor, honesty, etc., and I now know what I need to be happy. Be clear on this.

Find out what's right for you and stay true to it. It's totally fine to desire lighter relationships, or marriage, or a deep commitment that doesn't involve marriage, but do your best to know what you want and what you're capable of having at this point. Respect that and act authentically in your relationships with people. Be emotionally healthy so you can attract other healthy people to you.

2. In dating, always pay attention to what a person does over what he says. Actions do speak louder than words and reveal the truth. I have found this to be right every time. Randy Pausch brought this up as his one big piece of advice for his little daughter when she starts dating, and I loved it. I couldn't agree more. A person may be really good at explaining why he wasn't there for you, why he couldn't be available, or why some other priority is more important. Sure, sometimes things come up, but if this is consistently the case, accept that this person isn't really there, and either live with it or move on. He may be good with words, but ultimately words mean very little if they are not backed up with action. The reality is that being low on the list of someone you really care about is demoralizing and will erode your self-esteem. If it seems like he doesn't care, it either means he doesn't, or he is not self-aware enough to realize his actions. You owe yourself more.

This is true for yourself, too. For a long time, I think I was good at saying that I wanted to find a real, healthy relationship, but my behavior didn't match the noises I was making. I still have to be mindful of that and check-in with myself to make sure that I'm not inadvertently allowing fear (or another lovely shadow emotion) to sabotage my intentions.

Of course, if you are with someone who is totally there for you, pays attention to your needs, and makes it clear that you are a priority, enjoy and appreciate that. That's the dream! It can make almost any other little imperfection easy to accept.

3. Know what you want/need and be brave in asking for it. We are all worthy of love, respect, and mindful treatment. If someone can't give you these things, or you can't give them what they need, it's better to find this out sooner rather than later. I'm not talking about first date interrogations here, peeps. I'm saying that if you've been seeing someone for a while and something feels off, or your needs aren't being met, bring it up now. Don't keep quiet. Even if it's disappointing or hurtful to you if you don't get the answer you want, you will hopefully feel better knowing you have all the information to make a decision about how to move forward. I loved in the final episode of Sex and the City the part where Carrie tells the artist she's ending her relationship with that, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." It just seemed like such a self-revealing and honest thing to divulge.

4. Pay attention. Focus on the reality of the situation. Try to avoid getting caught up in what you wish was happening. Or, don't create problems where none exists. This is a toughie. It's really easy to get wrapped up in your emotions, hopes, and wants that you lose perspective on what's really going on. Often this leads to people staying in situations longer than they should. On the other hand, I think it's dangerous to assume that because things went wrong in a previous relationship, or you were treated in a way you didn't like, that it will happen with every new person. It most likely won't, unless you have a pattern of choosing the same kind of partner over and over again, but it's not fair to you or the other person to go into a new situation with that expectation. You aren't his ex. He isn't yours. Well, not yet anyway. Heh.

5. It's not your job to *fix* anyone. If you're approaching dating in good emotional health, it's reasonable to expect emotional integrity from the person you're seeing. Don't ignore signs that something is amiss, and don't make it your mission to "fix" someone who has issues. Yeah right. It's great to be supportive when someone you care about is going through difficulties, but I'm talking about situations where it becomes clear that a person has deep-rooted baggage, psychological or addiction problems, or even perhaps a personality disorder, and doesn't appear to notice or see a need for change. Ugh. Real change is only going to come from themselves when they're ready, if that ever happens. You can't hold your breath waiting for it. I know for myself that even when I get that I can't fix someone, I often want to understand what's going on, and I want the other person to understand me. I can get very focused on that, which does me no good. It's not a realistic goal, and I've found that I had to release my need for either of those things. If someone doesn't know himself very well, or has serious problems that only a therapist can help with, there's no chance that he's going to be able to get you. And, whether intentional or not, people struggling with themselves can be hurtful to others. They are often so self-focused that they have nothing to give to anyone else.

6. Sometimes letting go is the best option. Along the lines above, I now know that it's possible to love someone very much with the understanding that person isn't right, healthy, or available to you--at least not now and perhaps never. Love isn't black and white, and caring isn't turned on and off with the flip of a switch. At least not for me. But, in honoring your own truth, and seeing circumstances for what they are, sometimes letting go with grace is the healthiest and best option for both of you.

7. Always notice the love in your life every day. Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in thinking about what we don't have, whether it's the right relationship, job, place to live, etc. As a single person, I find that I tend to do that when frustrated or lonely. I don't have a boyfriend! No one loves me! I have to do everything on my own! I might be alone forever! Poor me! Blahbitty-blah-blah.

My new way of coping with that is to remind myself of all the people in my world who I love and who love me in any capacity. Romantic love isn't the only way. This point was brought home when my belongings were stolen in Israel. Nearly every single person in my life offered me support and/or financial help. It was amazing to see all the people who genuinely cared and who jumped into action to make that better. I was overwhelmed by the generosity, and I felt overwhelmingly loved. None of those people were a boyfriend. Some didn't even know me all that well. But, through a scary and troubling loss, I realized that caring is all around me when I look.

8. Always choose love. Choose to give more love. Accept love when it's offered to you. Open your heart and take a risk. See the people you know in a positive light. Understand that not everyone you meet is going to love you, and that's ok. Choose to believe that love is always possible. Even if it doesn't lead to you finding the person of your dreams immediately, I find that choosing love makes life a whole lot better.

OK, that's it for now.