I've had the Thom Yorke album for quite a while, but I've only really gotten in to it lately. Sometimes that happens. At first you listen to a song or two and like them okay, but you don't feel any particular connection to the music. Then, somewhere down the line something happens, or you enter a new phase of being, and--bam!--it suddenly suits you perfectly. You start craving a cd you were once sort of 'eh' (shrug) about.
In particular, I'm totally in to the song Black Swan right now. I didn't even know what a black swan was until this song nudged me to consult the internet. I like Nassim Taleb's definition that "a black swan is an outlier, an event that lies beyond the realm of normal expectations. Most people expect all swans to be white because that's what their experience tells them; a black swan is by definition a surprise." Knowing that, I like the song even more. And, okay, I think the repetition of the line "This is f*cked up, f*cked up..." to the groovy little tune does something for me, but in a positive, that's right sort of way. Just listen to it and you'll understand.
I don't think it's any secret from my loyal readers that the past few months have been, at best, bumpy times for me. You are nice about it, but you're on to me. Things have happened, many all at once. I've witnessed friends going through major life changes, in some cases difficult ones that I can't do anything about, and I've struggled with being okay in my helplessness while trying to be there for them. I haven't been without my own personal issues either. Oh no. One month I was on medication that had the charming side effect of a frightening Deep Depression and, combined with other things, I'm sure, I found myself visiting a darkness I've never known before. The blog took a bit of a turn at that point, too. Needless to say, I 'm glad to be out of it but, perhaps in an unexpected way, I'm also glad it happened. Wanting to do nothing else but lay on my bed, stare at the ceiling and, let's face it, cry, sucked big time, but after the fact I can see that I got to know a different part of myself better from going there.
I have encountered dramas of the heart, good and bad, with men who play different roles in my life, and I've started to realize how deeply intertwined some present issues are with painful outcomes from my past. They've forced me to rummage around the closet of my memory to pull out and dust off the things I'd hastily, and rather sneakily, shoved to the back of the Resolved shelf, so I can finally acknowledge and put them in their rightful place. But, it's not easy. Sometimes it gets me how God/the Universe/what have you seems to be saying, "Here's this and this and this AND this to deal with all right now! It's your lucky day!" (And by day I mean week, month, year, or even many years.) Thanks, dude.
Still, I tend to stick with the you-can't-always-get-what-you-want-but-you-get-what-you-need-so-be-
grateful-for-these-lessons mentality most of the time. Even when I feel dramatically and tragically alone in my struggles, I can find the inner knowing that I'm not, and the people who unfailingly show up to remind me when I forget. And I'm learning, learning, learning. One of my best friends, who I believe I've grown even closer to in new shared understanding over these past few months, so kindly and wisely put things in big picture perspective in one of her insightful emails. She said something along the lines of "after all, we must keep in mind that we embrace the difficult truths of today for a greater lasting happiness in the future." (Sorry if I didn't get that quite right, dear girl.) I love that, even if in the moment I responded internally with the very mature, "Hmph! But I don't WANNA embrace these stupid truths! I don't WANNA! I just want things to be good NOW!" Foot stamping and all.
One of the main things I've been learning lately is to be mindful in how I treat myself. It's my Be Nicer to Megan campaign for this party of one. After all, I am so fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life who are amazing to me, but it's totally self-defeating if I can't do that for myself, too, especially when I'm on shaky ground. Must stay healthy and sane. So, I'm working on small things like buying myself flowers and little treats sometimes to sprucing up my living space a bit. I had a great time picking out plants while shopping with Em on Sunday, and I spent a few peaceful and productive hours gardening to make things pretty (my body is so sore now, though). It's silly, but I love looking at my flower beds to see what I did, as long as the poor planties live, of course. :-) I have a true desire to carve out time for the things that give me a sense of accomplishment and contentment, and I'm seeking out opportunities to connect with new and old people again. I'm also making a conscious effort to redirect that ever-present internal voice that pops up with snide comments full of criticism, fear and doubt about my life. Enough is enough already, lady. Things aren't that bad at all. You're cool.
I mean, we can't forget that lots of good stuff has happened and continues to happen. My sister won a truck on the Price is Right! Sorry, I just can't get over that one. Plus, in the middle of all my turmoil, I've experienced incredible joy moments, often, and most fittingly, with the people who also factor into the difficulties. Go figure. Life is just simply crazy.
In particular, I'm totally in to the song Black Swan right now. I didn't even know what a black swan was until this song nudged me to consult the internet. I like Nassim Taleb's definition that "a black swan is an outlier, an event that lies beyond the realm of normal expectations. Most people expect all swans to be white because that's what their experience tells them; a black swan is by definition a surprise." Knowing that, I like the song even more. And, okay, I think the repetition of the line "This is f*cked up, f*cked up..." to the groovy little tune does something for me, but in a positive, that's right sort of way. Just listen to it and you'll understand.
I don't think it's any secret from my loyal readers that the past few months have been, at best, bumpy times for me. You are nice about it, but you're on to me. Things have happened, many all at once. I've witnessed friends going through major life changes, in some cases difficult ones that I can't do anything about, and I've struggled with being okay in my helplessness while trying to be there for them. I haven't been without my own personal issues either. Oh no. One month I was on medication that had the charming side effect of a frightening Deep Depression and, combined with other things, I'm sure, I found myself visiting a darkness I've never known before. The blog took a bit of a turn at that point, too. Needless to say, I 'm glad to be out of it but, perhaps in an unexpected way, I'm also glad it happened. Wanting to do nothing else but lay on my bed, stare at the ceiling and, let's face it, cry, sucked big time, but after the fact I can see that I got to know a different part of myself better from going there.
I have encountered dramas of the heart, good and bad, with men who play different roles in my life, and I've started to realize how deeply intertwined some present issues are with painful outcomes from my past. They've forced me to rummage around the closet of my memory to pull out and dust off the things I'd hastily, and rather sneakily, shoved to the back of the Resolved shelf, so I can finally acknowledge and put them in their rightful place. But, it's not easy. Sometimes it gets me how God/the Universe/what have you seems to be saying, "Here's this and this and this AND this to deal with all right now! It's your lucky day!" (And by day I mean week, month, year, or even many years.) Thanks, dude.
Still, I tend to stick with the you-can't-always-get-what-you-want-but-you-get-what-you-need-so-be-
grateful-for-these-lessons mentality most of the time. Even when I feel dramatically and tragically alone in my struggles, I can find the inner knowing that I'm not, and the people who unfailingly show up to remind me when I forget. And I'm learning, learning, learning. One of my best friends, who I believe I've grown even closer to in new shared understanding over these past few months, so kindly and wisely put things in big picture perspective in one of her insightful emails. She said something along the lines of "after all, we must keep in mind that we embrace the difficult truths of today for a greater lasting happiness in the future." (Sorry if I didn't get that quite right, dear girl.) I love that, even if in the moment I responded internally with the very mature, "Hmph! But I don't WANNA embrace these stupid truths! I don't WANNA! I just want things to be good NOW!" Foot stamping and all.
One of the main things I've been learning lately is to be mindful in how I treat myself. It's my Be Nicer to Megan campaign for this party of one. After all, I am so fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life who are amazing to me, but it's totally self-defeating if I can't do that for myself, too, especially when I'm on shaky ground. Must stay healthy and sane. So, I'm working on small things like buying myself flowers and little treats sometimes to sprucing up my living space a bit. I had a great time picking out plants while shopping with Em on Sunday, and I spent a few peaceful and productive hours gardening to make things pretty (my body is so sore now, though). It's silly, but I love looking at my flower beds to see what I did, as long as the poor planties live, of course. :-) I have a true desire to carve out time for the things that give me a sense of accomplishment and contentment, and I'm seeking out opportunities to connect with new and old people again. I'm also making a conscious effort to redirect that ever-present internal voice that pops up with snide comments full of criticism, fear and doubt about my life. Enough is enough already, lady. Things aren't that bad at all. You're cool.
I mean, we can't forget that lots of good stuff has happened and continues to happen. My sister won a truck on the Price is Right! Sorry, I just can't get over that one. Plus, in the middle of all my turmoil, I've experienced incredible joy moments, often, and most fittingly, with the people who also factor into the difficulties. Go figure. Life is just simply crazy.
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