It's a bummer to feel this way. I've been working on it a bit this last year, and it's not as bad as it used to be, but I came to the conclusion yesterday that there is more I can try to make it better. I know we all have good days and bad days, but I feel this goes beyond a bit of a grump. In therapy last year my counselor had a lot of ideas for me, and I think I need to be a better advocate for myself with my doctor, as a first step. I'm going to make an appointment to talk about seeing a specialist and/or a naturopath. I figure if this is something I just need to live with then fine, but I haven't done nearly enough to see if that's the case.
My friends are all really great and supportive about this. People tell me I hide feeling down well, which is nice in a way. I don't really want to come off as a Debbie Downer in everyday life. But, it can be exhausting to feel one way on the inside and to act completely different on the outside for a period of time, especially when you're already feeling worn out and low energy. I don't want to smile while I feel like crying on my keyboard at work! And then, in a few days, everything will be fine, and I'll be back to feeling like myself. I'll wonder what that was all about until the next time. Standard operating procedure.
Anyway, this weekend is about taking care of me. This is one of the things my therapist suggested to do when I feel yucky--be extra good to myself. I've been going and going lately, so I'm taking a break. I haveta. It's the weekend of Megan. I had a fantastic time at dinner with a friend last night. We talked for hours, eating delicious food, and it felt great to be so connected. Today I've been enjoying time reading and lounging around the house. I'm getting caught up on some things here. When I feel tired and want to nap, I sleep. I went shopping for a bit, and tonight I'm going to have a good dinner and watch episodes of Californication. Tomorrow I have an appointment for a hot stone massage, and I can't wait! I think my last little pampering thing was at Christmas. Yay!
In other news, one of the last episodes of season four of Weeds took a turn for the worse with horrifying torture. It was very distressing. I had to push stop quickly to avoid it, but I already knew exactly what was going on, and it wasn't pretty. For the rest of the week it played in the video in my head, lasting much like the image of the broken arm. Aaaaaaaaaah! I'm all for shows pushing the envelope and stuff, but that was bad news. Still, excellent season overall, and I can't wait to see what happens next.
One night this week I kept having dreams that everything I did was wrong. I dreamt that I sent an email to the Big Boss with a zinger line in it, and my supervisor came into my office to give me a talking to about my rude comment and to tell me what I was going to do to fix it. Then, in dreamland, she proceeded to tell me that after getting feedback from the students, it turns out I'm the one they think is not nice. Then, I dreamed that I got a bad grade on a paper, which is weird because class is over and I did fine. They kept going along those lines. It's like I have this lingering anxiety about mistakes. Weird. Maybe it's because I don't have enough real anxiety going now, and I need to put Operation Multiple Video Rentals into action.
Speaking of zingers, Casey pointed out this *should* be my food of choice. If only they weren't packed with so much chemically goodness.
This hasn't been my best week, but one highlight was that I found a new, fabulous hair person. I've developed a crush. I love her. It's too bad we're both straight, because I could really see this working out. Not only did she do exactly the right thing with my hair, but she's lovely and cool and has an awesome vibe. It's so nice to actually look forward to my next hair appointment.
Every cloud has a silver lining, and all that business.
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