Serious, Serious

The other night I dreamed one of my girl friends and I received a box with a child's toy in it, and we were in charge of assembling this unknown gift. We struggled a bit in the beginning, but as we fit the pieces together to create the tabletop-sized toy, it became clear that it was a beautiful and ornate ferris wheel designed for a little girl. The final piece was a fancy little bed that attached like a lego to the center, so the little girl can sleep peacefully and comfortably in the middle while the wheel spins steadily around her. It made perfect sense to me in the dream, and it still made perfect sense on some level when I woke up, but I wasn't sure why. I mean, who could possibly get a good night's sleep tucked under the covers of a cushy mini-bed placed in the middle of a ferris wheel?

I told a couple of people about the dream, wondering what it could mean because it felt significant somehow, and then I didn't think about it for a few days. Yet, I recently lamented to a friend that I've found myself in a restful and introspective phase lately, lacking enthusiasm for the social things I'd normally enjoy and craving more time alone. While I believe this is ultimately healthy (and temporary), I feel sort of spacey and guilty about being so checked out from my friends right now. She responded nicely that people are up to all of their usual things, and even though there is the weird feeling of missing out when you take time on your own, I should just remember that nothing is actually going on. In other words, it's fine. I started thinking about both the dream and her comments today, and then--bam!--it occurred to me that they are one in the same. I am at rest for now but still connected to the lovely world going on around me, and it's okay. I felt super cool and enlightened for about five minutes after figuring this out, but there was something else nagging at me.

In typical Megan fashion I, of course, put in some serious time over-analyzing this realization. I think what trips me up is seeing life as pretty as the dream portrayed. Even in times of "rest," my mind will often steadfastly return to what isn't going so well or what is lacking, next steps, doubts, restlessness, and ways to conceal the imperfections. Pick out the flaws and figure out a way to fix them - stat! However, when I actually take time to stop and examine the ferris wheel that is my life (an unfortunate metaphor. Cheezorama at its worst, truly. I'm so sorry.) , I can see that it is already constructed of many amazingly beautiful parts. I am supported and blessed in every effort I make to live my truth, which is what I see as the main challenge and purpose of life. The right circumstances show up time and time again to help me along, and I am surrounded by loyal, hilarious, and accepting people. It's all there always. I am not without. Why do I sometimes lose sight of this and need a strange dream to remind me of what I have?

There is the friend who laughingly appreciates my offer to sing "It's a Small World" at the top of my lungs as a way to talk her down from an emotionally perilous ledge, and then later informs me that I can change my tune to "Zippadeedooda" since things are looking up. The longtime ex turned friend who still greets me with "Hey there, pretty girl!" when I pick up the phone to answer his calls. The mother who, even if she thinks I have nothing to live for (she will never live THAT one down), is unquestionably my #1 fan and believes all the best for me. The many people I can ask to send good thoughts when I'm afraid, and I know, without a doubt, that they really will. The kindred spirit who knows my soul and, after all we've been through, assures me that she is with me in all things. In my questioning moments, she is a reliable grounding force, always knowing the right thing to say to keep me on track. The many friends who witness my faults, along with my quirks and silliness, and still like and get me anyway. The many friends who listen patiently to my joys, sorrows, and ever changing goals, and still return again to hear more of the same. The long distance friend who doesn't get huffy when I'm slow to return her calls. Instead she just leaves lighthearted messages saying, "OK, I'm accepting the fact that you're not answering your phone..." The kind coworker who suggests that I head over to his office any time I need an ego boost, so he can shower me with--genuine, I'm sure--compliments. (No, I'm not in there all the time. Give me a little credit. Hmph.) The people I don't know as well who offer up surprising understanding and insight when least expected. My sisters who share in everything and love unconditionally, I couldn't live without. The old friend who made me laugh on a particularly grumpy day by saying in email, "Ah, I see. You traded in your 20s crap for new, improved 30s crap. Isn’t it nice to know that no matter what happens, crap is timeless?" Indeed.

I love it.