Tis the season…to be pregnant again. 11 weeks and counting. The Husband and I are playing it cool and just seeing how this goes. It’s hard to believe that we’re rapidly approaching the same point we made it to last time. Given what we went through in April to be diagnosed with a fetal trisomy, we have opted to go right to CVS this time. Our appointment is in a few days.

My mind drifted into the realization this morning that, by the time the end of December rolls around, I will have spent half of 2015 (6 MONTHS, people) in the first trimester of pregnancy.  Ugh. I know I have it easier than lots and lots of women out there, but that is 6 months of just generally feeling crappy and exhausted.  Which, you know, makes it a banner year. It reminds me that women are f*cking amazing and strong for making this whole life thing happen over and over. I'd be good with a one time success story.

I have a Yoshitomo Nara grump girl expression while reading pregnancy books and websites again. The bossiness and mixed messages are never-ending, and it annoys me. So...you must do everything in your power to avoid gaining even an extra ounce of fat during pregnancy. Exercise, exercise, exercise! But not too much, be gentle, but get in at least 30 minutes every day. Don’t you dare think for a moment that you are eating for two. Overeat at any point and doom will befall you and your unborn child. Put the brownie down. Now. Don't "diet" per se, but make sure you eat a tightly controlled diet, because every single thing that goes into your mouth is critical. Sleep as much as you can Ms. Baggy Eyes, but make sure that in addition to maintaining all your regular activities while feeling like crap you add prenatal yoga, arm toning exercises, two mile daily walks/jogs, and designing and preparing all organic, perfectly balanced menus to your already chaotic life. Have you started your list of unnecessary baby items to buy yet? Don’t forget to always, always be contemplating how you will fend off any notion of pain medication during labor. Look cute. Just look cute all the time. Oh, by the way, do you like this or that thing? TOO BAD, it’s off limits during pregnancy and for the 5 years you will of course be breastfeeding your child. What’s that? What’s that you say? You only had a sip of champagne on New Year’s Eve. Harhar, it’s adorable how you think you can decide for yourself. NO AMOUNT OF ALCHOHOL IS SAFE, DUMB-DUMB.

Mind your own business, internet! This is the place where I could get all defensive about my own choices and approach to pregnancy, but that isn’t really the point. My impression is that the vast majority of women want to have healthy and safe pregnancies…without going nutso in the process. We want information and advice, and we want to make the best decisions we can for ourselves. We already have to let go of so much control of our bodies and trust that it knows what to do. Yet, it feels like the medical community and random bystanders think this released control is up for grabs, to wield however they see fit. Sometimes this is helpful. Often it is not.

Not that I don't have my own demons to contend with, which I'm sure contributes to my irritation. I'm starting this pregnancy feeling  a tremendous amount of pressure and, frankly, dismay about my weight. I'm no skinny-minnie. I absolutely love food and enjoying rich, delicious meals on occasion. I try to balance this out with a healthy, lighter diet and exercise on a regular basis. I’ve worked especially hard at this between these two pregnancies. I've felt good about the changes I've noticed and my increased strength. Yet, I learned after my first midwife appointment that, no matter how I feel, the pounds have stubbornly held on. In fact, I gained. I saw the number in the comfort of my home while reviewing my post-appointment health summary and, well, there were tears. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my BMI is hovering over the brink of obesity, and while I’ll do my best to stay healthy and maintain activity, it will be pushed straight into it during pregnancy. And because I’m so OLD, the books and sites assure me that any needless weight gain will be much harder to lose.

I understand that concerns about the health implications and possible complications from excess weight are legitimate. It's anxiety-provoking, but I need to be mindful of very real concerns and proactive in addressing this with my doctor, not hide from the situation. Believe me, I really want to hide! But, my numbers are going to be scrutinized and discussed anyway. Of course I'm worried about the what ifs. Namely, what if no matter how hard I work to be healthy and manage my weight, I gain more than what’s recommended for my starting point?

The part that irks me about the weight issue is the judgy emphasis on looks more so than health. Constant commentary on the fact that fat is pretty much the worst thing you can be aesthetically prevails even during pregnancy! This thinly veiled message, often under the guise of "health," pops up in articles, boards, and comments all over the internet. I bristle reading on What to Expect that in the first trimester you simply look pudgy, not pregnant, like you couldn't keep your greedy hands out of the doughnut box. What to Expect is big on the doughnut talk. Obviously, the only reason why we ladies gain weight is, you know, our weak willpower against the almighty evil doughnut. Junk food. It's that black and white. I wish.

Ladies online really can't wait for their bellies to pop out so people will finally know they're pregnant, not just overweight. There's lots of talk about how to avoid looking fat and to manage your appearance to continue looking good (i.e. thin) until the telltale belly appears.  Clearly, the only socially acceptable time to grow bigger is during pregnancy. Otherwise you've simply let yourself go and are a terrible slob of a person. But, even with pregnancy as an excuse, there are countless ways that you could still become a hideous slob over these 40 weeks, so watch out!

I could go on and on about how our celebrity obsessed culture feeds into this and blah, blah, blah. It's been done. I can also sit around feeling miserable about myself and the ways I'm far from society's ideal, but I could do that any old day. It's no good. I realize that I need to take ownership of who I am and where I’m at, while also letting go of what I can’t control. If this pregnancy is a go, I’ll do my best to take care of myself, and I’ll have to trust that my body’s got this. I don't have to buy in to all the nonsense. I can find real inspirational stories from real women out there if I dig a little bit more. I love those women.

As my OB said last time, it would be a shame to let negative feelings about my weight prevent me from enjoying my pregnancy. That was a helpful point. The rebellious part of me that isn’t sniveling over unwanted pounds says, damn right!  Rebellious me also says it’s totally fine to block all the annoying pregnancy websites and bury the books in the backyard for the time being.