Aloha! I'm sitting on the sunny deck of a cottage in Kihei, with my new gecko friend, waiting for my husband to return with some coffee for our breakfast. Case (formerly TBF) and I got married at the Kapalua Cliff House on Monday, October 28th, and now we're enjoying some solo honeymoon time in Kihei before returning home early next week. I can say, unequivocally, that the week leading up to, and the actual wedding itself, was the best week of my life. That isn't to say that there weren't any tense moments, because there were, but ultimately the joy of spending a week with so many people I love on the beautiful island of Maui is what is going to stay with me forever. I just want to burst into tears as I write this, partly out of happiness and partly out of longing to relive the experience again. But, much to my chagrin in this case, time keeps on trucking along.

It's unfortunate how my silly brain works sometimes. I'm having to take a break on my honeymoon to write about my overwhelming feelings, both of joy and loss. The happiness aspect is probably pretty self explanatory, and my silly brain likes to glide right by that anyway with little more than a passing glance. "Happiness, you say? Why spend time on boring old good times when doom and gloom are here to make things interesting!" I have no doubt in my mind that I've married the perfect man for me. I couldn't be happier with our relationship. Our wedding was amazing, and I look forward to spending my life with him. Sometimes I wonder, how could I deserve so much happiness? I am incredibly lucky.

But, good old doom and gloom over here are lingering over the loss, too. All the time spent on preparing the wedding, and it culminating into a lovely, once-in-a-lifetime event that is now completed. Saying goodbye to each of our friends and family who made the trip and shared in this incredible time with us. And now I feel like I'm also putting away an entire period in my life. My young and single days are wrapped up. I've been in a committed relationship with Case for 4 years, so, really, that ship had sailed awhile ago., I don't know why this feels like such a big deal. But it does. What's even more confusing is that, over the course of my decade-long single days, I went through (several) depressed periods about my relationship status. In retrospect, though, it was also the time when I learned so much about who I am and what I want in my life. I am grateful for that time, and I tend to have this feeling of strength from making it through, in my mind, wiser and happier.

I made homes for myself. I bought myself flowers. I traveled. I spent fun solo periods of time with family and friends. I went to countless concerts and ate blueberry pancakes with Em at 2am. I went to therapy. I read and wrote and took classes. I wrote long, sometimes overwrought, emails to Shannon, and I cried to my mom and sisters when life wasn't going as I hoped. I learned tarot and energy healing. I learned how to meditate and put together my own beautiful spaces for my own spiritual pursuits. I left religion behind a long while ago, but I spent time reading the bible to learn from it as an adult. I took naps and dreamed a lot. Sometimes I spent entire weekends alone, and my biggest outing was a run to Fred Meyer. These weekends would alternately depress me and rejuvenate me. I watched whatever girly movies I wanted. I ate good food with the people who love good food like I do (Elizabeth!). I cultivated friendships with an amazing group of women that we call the TMI ladies. I volunteered my time for different causes and began to understand what it is I wish to contribute here, even in the smallest way. I started taking long walks and then jogging.  I celebrated friends' relationships and, sometimes jealously, wished for my own. With the help of my friend Lindsay, I used space I had to start a little garden. I created. I created a life of my own. That's the biggest thing, I think. Shaping your life the best you can.  It hasn't gone perfectly. It's full of kinks and messiness and moments that still make me cringe when they pop up in my memory. But, I love and honor that this is mine.

None of this is going away, really. As I see myself starting to (VERY SlOWLY) transition from young and single to married and middle aged, .I have to remember that even though that time is behind me, and it is hard to say goodbye, all of it is still a par;t of me. At this moment I am blending my own experiences with those of someone I love very much. In our marriage, we will continue to build our lives both individually and as a twosome. We will create together.