Tonight I watched The Boy Inside. The overview from the site:

"Award-winning filmmaker Marianne Kaplan shares her son’s struggle to graduate elementary school in this intensely personal documentary about growing up with Asperger Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism characterized by socially inappropriate behaviour. The Boy Inside follows 12-year-old Adam as he tries desperately to control his outbursts and make sense of bullies, girls and life in the real world. A rare insight into an increasingly common neurological disorder, this film is the story of a family on the edge as they work to overcome a form of autism the world is only now beginning to recognize. "

It was an emotionally intense movie to watch. I expected that somewhat, but it's even more so than I thought. Seeing the effects of Adam being bullied and excluded was heartwrenching to watch, especially when he so earnestly and completely wants to connect, wants to have friends, wants to have a girlfriend and a first kiss, wants to play basketball with his peers, wants to fit in, wants to be accepted for who he is, wants to understand the world around him, wants to feel not so alone. Seeing Adam's mom and dad work so hard to deal with his difficulties and make life in this world doable for him was both inspiring and painful. They meet up with a lot of dead ends, and they continue with love and determination. Marianne, especially, is Adam's champion in recognizing how much progress he's made and in her optimism for his future and potential for success.

I watched all of this feeling like an emotional jumble. I had a lot of thoughts. When Adam talked feeling hopelessness, despair, and like nowhere is a safe place for him right now, that hit me the hardest--the safe place. There are personal reasons why this is so, too complicated and, well, too personal and undefined to explain here. I'm fortunate to have many places in life where I feel safe and like I fit in. I believe every person should have that. How scary is the world otherwise? But, I've had someone share similar thoughts with me about having few "safe places" before, and while I processed the words at the time, I didn't fully understand the depth of the meaning. That conversation has stuck with me, probably because I had the nagging suspicion that I missed something. This part of the movie triggered that memory again. I don't think the discussion could have gone any differently at the time, but I wish somehow I'd gotten it then. I feel like it's one of those lost moments of human understanding. The feeling is like being a little kid who, in a careless second, accidentally lets go of her balloon and helplessly watches it drift away. The balloon is right there, but totally out of reach. It's gone.

Marianne Kaplan interviewed Temple Grandin who said something to the effect of, "If we took away all of the genes that lead to autism, the world would be a very boring place." Yes! I think so too.

I watched Adam's parents, and I thought, that looks really hard, yet...maybe I want to do that. Maybe I could choose to do that. I've noticed lately that the possibility of someday adopting a child who has AS/ASD has been cropping up in the back of my mind (I lean toward adoption), but I hadn't fully acknowledged it until today. In fact, the words came out of my mouth while at dinner tonight with a friend, before watching the movie, and that's when I realized its presence. She was supportive and said she could totally see it, which was nice. Obviously, I'm not in a place to pursue anything like that now. There would be a lot of factors to consider in making that decision. I don't even know if it's possible. If you were found suitable for adoption, I guess you could probably make a request. My circumstances would have to be right, and it'd require a lot of thought and understanding of what's involved. You don't just run out and adopt a kid with special needs on a whim, yet...maybe someday. And, then I immediately thought, is that weird? Do people do this? Maybe that's weird. So I IM'd my sister, Is this totally weird? She said no, not at all. Maybe it is, in fact, my calling.

Maybe.

The film is really well done. I recommend. Marianne Kaplan did an excellent job, and I'm glad I had a chance to watch it. I think it'd be incredibly challenging to show the world such a personal view of your family life. In trying to figure out how to get my hands on a copy, I had a nice email exchange with her. She responded quickly to my inquiry with very helpful information, and I really appreciated her taking the time to do that. Then, I had an email exchange with the helpful librarian at the Children's Hospital in Seattle, where they have a copy of The Boy Inside, and she let me know that the materials in their Autism Collection are available for the public to check out. In the end, I made an interlibrary request at school, which worked perfectly and taught me more about all the wonderful resources available there. Very cool. I'm loving the library right now for this and other school projects.

I have a lot more I'd like to say, but I must head off to bed. Tomorrow I'm attending the Autism Society's Best in the Northwest conference, and it's going to be a very early morning. I'm excited and a bit nervous, because I'm not sure what to expect. I'll have a baby computer with me, and I hope to blog about the sessions if I have internet access.