In anticipation of the nephew's arrival tomorrow night, my lovely friend, Elizabeth, lent me some baby gear so Mols doesn't have to haul a ton of stuff across the ocean with her, and I am now driving around with a car seat strapped into the backseat of the Scion. It surprises me every time I do a sweeping glance of the back to make sure I have everything before getting out. I feel like a sham motoring around in a sporty car turned mama mobile and have to suppress the urgent desire to stop anyone passing by to explain that no, really, I don't have a baby.

Amy helpfully pointed out that I could probably get away with a little illegal carpool action right now. Of course this would occur to her, since she is the one who pretends to talk to a little kid in the backseat whenever she accidentally-on-purpose ends up in a carpool lane by herself. I suspect that she performs this charade quite frequently and has the technique down to perfection.

I'm assuming that baby seats are designed quite large and unfriendly to access for safety reasons. Getting Trav in and out of my two door car is going to be a real treat, I think. Someone is basically going to have to crawl all the way in to place him in the seat and fasten the buckles. It's either that or a well-aimed little toss, and I just can't see Molly going for me flinging her child into the car. We'll see.

I've had babies on the brain lately. In addition to preparing for Trav's visit, I got to spend some time with my other favorite baby yesterday, and Saturday I went maternity clothes gift shopping for a friend at work. I've learned that okay maternity clothes are hard to find, so I spent a considerable amount of time at the store searching for something acceptable to give to my friend. I'd picked out a couple of shirts but wasn't sure about the fit, so the hovering salesperson suggested that I try them on to see what they actually look like. I reluctantly agreed and made my way back to the changing room where my ride on an emotional rollercoaster took off.

As I closed the curtain, I immediately felt squirmy and uncomf about trying on maternity clothes when not even pregnant. I don't like pretending to be something I'm not, especially after the saleswoman had told me that women come in to try on the clothes "just for fun" all the time. That struck me as really sad. I decided to just get through the ordeal as quickly as possible, so I put on one of the shirts. I felt better when I saw that it fit nicely and was loose in all the right places.

Then I started thinking about what it would be like if I was pregnant and how having kids would change my life. That was frightening. I mean, having children sounds nice in theory, and I can create a pretty little picture of it in my head, but losing the freedom to do what I want and be selfish when I want, not to mention accepting the burden of responsibility for many, many years, often terrifies me. Plus, life is pretty fun right now. Call me somewhat commitment phobic, but I'm not sure I'm willing. My sister laughs at me for listing Undecided about kids on my MySpace page. She wishes they had Lukewarm as an option, since that's what I jokingly say I feel about Trav when he acts up.

Wrapped up in these thoughts, I noticed a pillowy circle thing hanging from a hook, and it took me a moment to realize that it's a bump you can put on under your clothes to see how you'll look as your stomach grows. I wasn't going to try it, but my curiosity won out, and I shoved the bump under the shirt. I spent a couple of minutes basking in sunshiny thoughts, admiring myself as a maternal goddess in the mirror, thinking how cute I would be pregnant if I only gained weight in my stomach (ha, ha). From there, I suddenly dove into despair over the realization that I'm not even in a place in my life where having kids is a possibility, and who knows if I ever will be. I overwhelmed myself with fearful questions. What if I never meet the "one" to have children with? What if I find someone I adore who doesn't want kids? Or, what if I finally meet that person when I'm old and my ovaries have dried up, leaving me with no choice? Etc, etc. Even if I may choose not to become a parent, I still want to have the choice damn it! All these questions led me to a dark place picturing my life single, childless, empty and alone.

Geez. Not one of my finer moments. It was very Bridget Jones. I quickly changed back into my regular clothes, made a beeline for the cash register to make a hasty purchase, and then exited the store. I felt better right away...and a little ridiculous. The weight of my what if's dissipated as I came back to reality. My "it's all going to work out" attitude returned. I was exhausted but no longer nuts. Thank God.

Molly and Trav will be here tomorrow! Yay!