Thanks to everyone for their well wishes and excitement over Travis! I will post more pictures soon! The four last night took me about a gazillion attempts to upload with my unreliable connection here. Gazillion attempts = two hours on the computer hitting buttons and swearing, and I just don't think I have that energy tonight. I'm still so tired.
Mother and baby are doing well. We spent a few hours visiting today with the rest of the family in town. There are so many people to love him, and I know they can't wait to spoil him. He is very sweet; even his cry is adorable. Molly is recovering nicely and can't stop staring at her beautiful boy. He is her love, and he is totally amazing. I am in no way biased. I so look forward to seeing Molly and Joe raise their little one. He's taken to eating quite well and can't seem to tear himself away from the breast. I guess he's worried about maintaining his big boy status.
I love that so many friends wished me luck on my DJ/Doula duties. It cracked me up and I felt so happy knowing that people enjoyed my story about my plans for the birth. I have to say that I think I did a decent job at both, in spite of my worries. In addition to keeping a good variety of music going for most of it, my strengths were with the ice and cold rags, visualization, and setting a rhythm during contractions. I admit that Joe did handle most of the massage, but I mostly willingly took over when needed. All in all, I think the three of us were a pretty fine team.
The whole experience was so overwhelming. I still feel overwhelmed by it, and so it is a little bit hard to talk about. My sister was strong and lovely and kept her sense of humor for so long. We laughed and joked for much of the first 8 hours in the hospital. One of the pictures below is of me feeding her some broth, and we giggled endlessly about me spoon-feeding her, as well as the jello that tasted like lemon fresh Pledge. She held it together so well during the early intense contractions after the breaking of the waters. I learned I'm not that squeamish, because I thought the big gush of fluid was awesome, as well as the injection of the drugs in her spine. I watched in fascination. It was the Discovery channel experience I always wish I had.
Progress was slow for most of the day, but during a two hour rest post drugs (mid-afternoon) she went from 4 centimeters to 9.5. So fast! I came in after an hour-long food break to discover we were rapidly approaching the final stage, and my help was needed immediately. Molly pushed for two hours straight, with no pain medication (it wore off at go time), and she showed great stamina. I was blown away by her strength.
I have to tell you that although there is so much joy in having Travis here safely, as well as my sister so happy and healthy after surgery, my own emotions are a jumbled mess. I'm still working to sort through them. It was the most wonderful-horrible experience of my life yet. This is the hard part to talk about, because I want to give an honest account from my view without giving the impression that I regret being there or don't appreciate how lucky I was to share in this. I can't imagine being anywhere else, and, if needed, I would do the whole thing again in a second. Yet, I feel changed, and I don't know if I can ever have a kid myself. I'm going to have to think really hard about that.
Molly tells me I helped her lots during this time, and I hope that is right. I wish I could say that I had no problem staying in the moment, strong and confident that all was well. Sometimes I felt incredibly useful and okay, but mostly I felt helpless and about an inch away from a breakdown.
The truth is that seeing my little sister I love so completely endure such terrible pain was gut-wrenching torture. She went through so much, and although I could not feel her pain, I was swept away by it. The pain became a powerful current that connected me to her and jerked us along, and at times the urge to flee its force overcame me. Even though I knew the pain was necessary, my emotional response to it was sometimes hard to manage. When she cried and screamed and said she couldn't do it anymore, my little voice inside said I couldn't either. I counted down the time for every push to help her stay focused, and my voice would sometimes waver as I started with 10, threatening to collapse with each decreasing number. I'd think that I couldn't go on without bursting into tears, but I'd struggle to stay steady, as I felt she grew to rely on me keeping the time, not to mention a calm exterior. I held up one of her legs and her head during the contractions, and in my weaker moments the need to throw down her leg and bolt was strong. But, in it I had become part of the process and breaking away would have broken the experience. She was going through so much and needed support. I don't think I would have forgiven myself for leaving her or missing a moment.
After she worked so hard, I was sad that she ended up needing a c-section anyway, because she was so determined not to have one. Making that decision and waiting for the surgery to be over was a very emotional period. However, it was a major relief to know that her pain was soon ending and a baby was actually arriving. She had given it her all, and I am so proud of her. There was very little progress for a long time, and it was frustrating for all of us, unbearable for Molly. It turns out that the baby's head was at an odd angle and too large to pass through her body no matter what she did. The doctor wasn't very forthcoming with that information until the very end, and at that point it was clearly the right thing to do for all. Molly was spent, and the baby was stressed. Sadly, my time with her ended then, as hospital policy is to let only the father in during the surgery and recovery. But, I was ecstatic to hear that she was okay, and I can't even describe how purely gorgeous it was to see my nephew in his first minutes. The payoff for the struggles of the day was tremendous.
Mols says she remembers everything, and we plan to talk about it soon. That and some sleep will most likely help with the processing. Aside from posting additional pictures of Travis, I will probably go back to regular blogging now. I'll encourage Molly to add her thoughts in the comments later on, and I'll let you know if she does that. Maybe she and Joe will decide to make a Travis blog at some point. That would be fun!
Thanks all for reading my rambling perspective on the birth of Travie. The sleepy DJ/doula is signing off.
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