The Single Girl and Her Doctor

It's inevitable.

The second my roommate, Emily, and I climb into my car to head to work in the morning, music ceases to exist on the radio. Flipping through the channels--beep, beep, beep--you got commercials, you got DJ's rambling on in their annoying half-shout voices, you got some guy calling in to share with listeners the little facts he knows about beavers that nobody else does. Whatever. Em and I sit there in morning radio misery chatting about our day and alternately bursting out with "Play a freakin song already!"

Today's discussion centered around the dreaded doctor's appointment and Em's intention to one day make it a topic for a comedy routine. We both agree that, while the annual trip is probably mildly anxiety-provoking for everyone, the doctor's Q&A interrogation session can cause extreme panic in the unprepared single girl. No matter how calm the atmosphere during the check-up, things can quickly turn ugly once the interview portion of your visit begins. That little examining room suddenly seems ten times smaller and the air becomes thick with tension.

Are you sexually active? And, if so, how many partners have you had in the past year? Tricky. Honesty hardly seems like the best option. Depending on your situation, you will either rack your brain for an answer that will keep you out of loserville, or shoot for a number that you feel is reasonably close to the truth but won't make you a trollop in the eyes of this health care professional.

If you're on the end of the spectrum and sideswiped by the question, the conversation may go a little something like this.

D: "Are you sexually active?" Stares accusingly over chart.

P: "Uh, not really."

Silence.

D: "What does 'not really' mean?"

P: "It means I'm not sexually active right now, okay? Crosses arms, glares at doctor. Ignores look of pity and suspicion that self is undesirable slug.

On the other end, you have...

D: "Are you sexually active?"

P: "Yes"

D: "How many partners have you had in the last year?" Same accusing stare.

P: "Uh, let's see. That's a good question. Let me think about it." Starts taking mental count, frantically tries to figure out good number to actually say.

Doctor waits, tapping pen on chart.

P: "Huh. Um...."

P: "Three!" Shouts triumphantly.

D: "Right." Starts scribbling furiously in chart.

And then, before you have time to recover, the next question is fired off. It goes on and on. As in job interview, the best advice is to prepare ahead of time and go in with your answers ready.

D: " OK, then. What method of birth control are you using?"

P: "Actually, I prefer to just take my chances." Smiles and starts to softly hum Que Sera, Sera.

Heh. Can't wait to use that one.